Green peace is looking for my kid

May 23, 2008


My oldest son is fascinated by anything that comes in a non-environmental friendly aerosol can. If given deodorant in an aerosol can and left unsupervised, he will personally kill off a good portion of the Ozone within the time it takes to depress the trigger.


His favorite gift last Christmas was a cheap can of “Man-Spray” (his own term) presented to him by his younger brother. Of all the available items at the schools “Santa’s Workshop”, Cayden believed that musk body spray was the item that was best suited for his big brother. This was not as impulse purchase. It was as deliberate as a decision could possibly be. So he forked over the $1.00 asking price and toted his prize home.


At that point Christmas was still a week away, but the boys do not abide by social convention and started to needle me for their gifts the minute we got in the car. I protested for 6 minutes (5 minutes longer than their mother would have made it- to her credit she probably would not have allowed Cayden to purchase such an item in the first place).


Mack’s gift to Cayden was appropriate- he got a puzzle.


Here is what happened when Mack opened his gift from Cayden:


To say he was happy to receive this gift was an understatement; he was beside himself with joy. It was as if he was personally responsible for ensuring the polar ice caps melted that very day and he’d just received the instrument to guarantee his success.


With tears in his eyes, he embraced his brother lovingly and told him how fortunate he was to receive such an amazing gift (I’ve honestly seen less emotion in Publishers Clearing House Sweepstake winners). After the initial wave of emotional glee wore off, Mack ran to the bathroom and locked the door. Of course this happened so fast that I was unable to provide operating instructions or have a discussion on moderation.


Mack emerged from the bathroom 3 seconds later, empty spray can in hand, cloud of musk circling his head, dilated pupils and wearing a proud look on his face. He opened the front door and stepped outside before I had an opportunity to stop him and three robins and one duck fell to the earth, dead from asphyxiation.


Luckily, cheap musk is not designed to last forever. The odor eventually subsided and I am happy to report that doctors believe Connie’s sight will return within the month.


At this point, I cannot report with any certainty that Mack’s armpits will recover. We are hoping that, with nightly Neosporin application, his pits will one day produce hair follicles. Like any good parent, I googled for information but could not find a single word on excessive cheap body spray application and whether the effects are reversible.


I don’t think that Mack caused any long-term environmental damage, but I also cannot explain why my grass is green year round and on average 15 degrees warmer than my next-door neighbor’s?



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Pammy posted the following on May 23, 2008 at 4:56 pm.

I see I forgot to answer the spam question before, my bad.

As I said before–and it got eaten up for not answering your spam question–

I am thrilled you are sharing your stories with the world. It has me laughing every day. You have the gift.


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