Little Boy Beliefs…

August 16, 2008

Kids are great for a number of reasons- one of those being that they are not bound by the laws of nature or logical thought. Their reality is not born of experience or wisdom; in fact, their reality is comprised of nothing more than what they think (frightening) and what they gather with their 5 senses. I have listed some of the beliefs that my boys hold as the gospel truth. I am sure there are plenty more but this is a quick list, right off the top of my head.

Those shiny rocks we found in the backyard are precious gems capable of being cashed in at Toys-R-Us for all manner of exciting items.

Our band (The Land Brothers, aptly named because they both live on land) will propel us to super-stardom even if we never learn to play our instruments.

Every fish that hits our bait has the potential to be the fabled Moby Dick and should be fought with extreme zeal. (Surprisingly they react this way regardless of how many tiny fish they catch in a single afternoon).

Santa has no budget, thus it is not unreasonable to ask for a brand new 4-wheeler, dirt bike and Escalade all on the same Christmas list.

(Cayden) If I do not brush my teeth often enough they will turn green and I will become a pirate. (The idea of becoming a pirate is quite appealing to him so we must force him to brush twice daily).

Ice cream and Ritz Bits sandwiches are sound substitutes for most meals.

Whupped (Whipped) cream was created by the hand of God.

Clothes become unfit for wear the minute they touch human skin, therefore they must be placed on the floor where they mysteriously migrate to the laundry room… if you wait long enough.

The toilet is a hella good time and a great place to power wash personal items. Simply throw items in the bowl (i.e. marbles, coins, 400-yards of dental floss, car keys etc.) and flush.Dad will get them back in no time. All that he has to do is rip the toilet from the floor and curse a lot.

(Mack) Seven is the perfect age for a real handgun.

Department store clothing racks make great hiding places… just look at Dad’s expression when he can’t find us- proof enough.

Mom and Dad are fascinated by our excrement; It is imperative that they examine every specimen immediately upon completion of each bowel movement.

It his highly plausible that one could dig a hole through the earth’s crust, mantle and core eventually reaching China, using nothing more than a spoon.

One can create a superpower potion by mixing together every liquid item found in a common household refrigerator.

Mr. Bubble tastes delicious plus it allows one to blow bubbles without the aid of accessories.

All that it takes to be a kung-fu master is the right costume and a Ninja Turtles DVD.

Dad’s power tools are weather-proof.

Safety gear such as helmets, knee pads, and elbow guards are for sissies. Real men skateboard as close to nude as possible.

Money doesn’t grow on trees, it‘s actually more like a vine that miraculously sprouts from the depths of Dad’s wallet.

Every action, good or bad, should be rewarded with candy.

The shiny plastic cards in Mom’s purse are powerful deities.

Camouflage bathrobes and Spiderman slippers are the height of sophistication and the mark of a true aristocrat.

Amazing, magical things happen after midnight. That’s why Mom and Dad make us go to bed early.

Play dates are not a privilege, they are a child’s right, articulated in the Declaration of Independence.

If you ask repeatedly and moan intermittently, a “No” will transform into a “Yes”.

When Dad/Mom asks us to clean our room it means to stuff everything into the closet and smile innocently.

Whenever you’re about to get caught doing something particularly heinous, simply hug whatever parent is about to lower the boom and tell them you love them one-million, billion. Saps fall for it every time.

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