Has anyone seen my Gonuts?

October 25, 2008

I was sitting in the living room working on my computer when Connie walked in with a mysterious DVD.  I didn’t pay any attention, I was busy, and before I knew it she had the TV on and the movie playing.  No problem, a little background noise would probably help the creative process.  I continued to work on my computer, head down, pounding away on my keyboard, oblivious to the dangerous situation that was unfolding before me.

By the time I looked up it was too late.  To my horror, Connie had slipped in “Secret Traveling pants of the Divine Ya Ya Sisters”, or some shit like that, and unknowingly, I had absorbed a large dose of “estrogen laden gamma-rays” that films of this genre are known to radiate.  You know the type of film I’m talking about right?  They have names like “Steel Magnolias” and “Under a Tuscan Sun” and they steal, no they suck, the man-ness right out of you.  Before you know it, you’re in the fetal position with a box of tissues, probably the kind with aloe vera built right in, and you’re all weepy and wanting to be held but you have no idea why. I immediately texted my buddies for assistance, but that was a long shot. I would have to cope with this on my own. Oh shit! I looked up again.

I tried to yell at Connie to turn it off, but to my horror when I opened my mouth all I could say, in a rather high-pitched, girlish squeal, was “Oh, this was an Oprah Winfrey book selection.” What the hell just came out of my mouth?  How did I know that?  I don’t watch Oprah, I watch Spike TV, damn it!  This movie was more potent than I thought. If I remained in place much longer, I would completely lose my grip on reality.  It was then that I noticed the movie’s full impact on my DNA and things got downright strange very, very quickly. 

I pulled open my shirt and to my horror all of my chest hair had fallen out and I’m not positive but I believe I started to lactate. Holy Mother of God, what’s happening to me?  A cheap domestic beer would probably have turned me around but suddenly all I craved was some chamomile tea and a piece of Melba toast.  While searching for my Melba toast, I noticed my cuticles needed pushed back, ten minutes ago I did not know what a cuticle was, now I had an emery board in my hand buffing my nails to a smooth glossy finish.  I was in a lot of trouble.

I walked back into the room to solicit Connie’s help and ended up watching 15 more minutes of her movie. By then I was awash with foreign thoughts the likes of which I had never contended with. I suddenly had an uncontrollable urge to put down every toilet seat in the house and buy several pairs of strappy sandals that looked great on my feet but were too uncomfortable to wear. My eyebrows were out of control and I had a strange desire to pour wax all over them and then rip them from my forehead. These thoughts were not my own, my manliness was deteriorating before my very eyes and I felt helpless to stop its downward spiral. I almost asked Connie if she had a spare pair of yoga pants that I could borrow; my jeans felt much too coarse on my sensitive skin and besides they presented a less than flattering picture of my behind.  God, please help me, I almost asked Connie if I looked fat in these pants.

I don’t know how the evening ended. I am pretty sure that I shared all of my hopes, dreams and fears in butt-numbing detail. In fact, I may have done so via conference call with all of the other women in my family. They seemed very responsive to the “new Shane” and invited me to lunch with them when they next came to visit, in fact they promised to include me in all of their activities to which I clasped my hands together and thanked them profusely. The last coherent thought that I can recall was the sinking feeling that the movie selection was not a fluke. The word conspiracy fluttered through my mind as I exfoliated with Noxema wrinkle reduction cream just before bed. Once more, I had been outsmarted.

 

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Dennis Sullivan posted the following on October 26, 2008 at 7:48 pm.

Shane,
You are such a girl, it’s obvious noting those gym sports I last seen you in. All silky and blousey. What ever happened to your tighty whities ? You know , the ones with the hash marks ?

Dennis.

admin posted the following on October 26, 2008 at 9:15 pm.

Dennis, Why have you been thinking about my tighty whities? Were you disappointed that I wasn’t wearing something more form fitting? Dennis it’s okay, Connie and I will love you no matter what, if you want to come out, just say so, we are here for you…

Pammy posted the following on October 27, 2008 at 3:15 am.

LMAO.
Good read my friend.


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