My newest bestest friends…

November 5, 2008

The festival was an excellent chance to mingle with all sorts of exciting folks and Connie and I made sure to take advantage of the opportunity. If you’ve never been, you may believe that the renaissance festival is simply an event for people to play out their medieval fantasies by dressing as knights, court jesters and fair maidens. This couldn’t be further from the truth. In actuality, it’s a forum for people of all orientations to express their creative, often bizarre, taste for the arcane.

As I stated, Connie and I wanted to take advantage of this opportunity, so we made sure to introduce ourselves to as many different people as we could. Admittedly, we were a bit timid at first, but as the day wore on (and the beer took effect), our willingness to approach people and discuss their apparel choices became much easier.

Meet Ed!

So where do I begin?  Let’s start with the older gentleman who decided that the Renaissance Festival was the ideal locale to sport his bright new rubber boobs. When Connie and I saw him we knew we had to meet the guy. Both of us were curious about the motivation that drove this gentleman’s garment selection. Did he wake up that morning, open his closet, and discover that the only items not in the wash were a pair of big rubber boobs and his svelte Scottish cap? Did he wear the boobs to other festivals, shopping, to his job? Where does one store fake rubber boobs when not in use? Is this an item that one would place in a curio cabinet next to a grouping of Hummel figurines? Can you rent rubber boobs or is this an item that you need to invest in for long term use? We had a lot of important questions that needed answering so we engaged him and pumped him for some info. It turned out that Ed was super friendly and also super drunk. All that he could tell us about his boobs was that he “waited to break them out until late in the day for the sake of the kids at the festival.” Note- we took the picture at approximately 5pm, not sure what kids the guy was talking about? Truth be told, I witnessed several toddlers trying to breastfeed off the old guy later that afternoon. In case you’re wondering, I did give Ed’s boobs a squeeze; I heard fake boobs felt different than the real thing so I gave him a quick groping and moved along.  I thought his boobs felt fine, but his beard creeped me out.

Meet Frank!

Connie and I spoke to Frank while waiting in line to wash our hands after fondling Ed’s fake boobs. You really can’t tell by the photo but Frank has some pretty high-end vampire teeth affixed to his bicuspids. He was more than happy to tell us about them, in fact he was downright proud of the fact that he painlessly entered the realm of immortality by visiting his local dentist on a lazy Saturday afternoon. According to Frank, anyone off the street can get their vampire on for the measly cost of about $200. He further went on to explain that they were not permanent, you could easily remove them for brushing purposes. To prove his point he demonstrated how easily they popped out. He must not have seen us squeezing Ed’s fake boobs because he offered to let me hold his fake teeth. GROSS! I declined his offer and went back and washed my hands again because the thought of holding Frank’s teeth was a bit much to stomach. Frank was a good guy and he left us with this thought about the Renaissance Festival, “If it makes you happy you gotta do it, man, and this is the place to be when you’re happy.” Frank was the happiest vampire I’ve ever met. We can all learn something about life from his personal philosophy.

Meet Sally!

Sally had the most gi-normous boobs Connie and I had ever seen in real life.They were so large and unruly that Connie refused to get any closer than the photo illustrates. Sally was more in line with the Renaissance theme. Most of the women dressed in authentic era costumes were sporting large amounts of cleavage, but Sally outdid them all. Not sure what the pirate hat’s about? In all honesty, Connie and I are probably the only ones that noticed she was wearing a hat. In fact, Connie and I are probably the only Renaissance-goers that realized that Sally had a head at all.

Meet Juan!

Juan was my most favorite Renaissance participant of the day. Though the rubber suit and gas mask may have intimidated some people, I felt more than comfortable walking up and introducing myself. He was super friendly and more than happy to pose for a photo op. I guess it comes with the territory- when you go out in public dressed as a sadomasochistic superhero, people are going to be curious.He never really explained

why he was dressed as he was, but does he really need to? I think Juan is just a tad bit freaky-deaky and the Renaissance festival may have afforded him the one venue where he could openly display his eccentric nature without getting the snot stomped out of him by a group of less than tolerant bikers.

At the end of the day, Connie and I met some wonderful people.  We went there with an open, non-judgemental attitude and everyone we met was super cool. I won’t be hanging out with Frank, Ed, Juan or Sally on the weekends, but their perspectives were fresh and their insight was interesting and, really, what more can you ask for on a warm autumn day?

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Connie posted the following on November 9, 2008 at 6:32 pm.

I have the best time with you. Thanks for the stolen moments (or afternoons) we get together, and for calling me “cute” repeatedly in these pictures. I am so looking forward to spending the entire day with you on Tuesday! Love you- me

MrsFierceShoes posted the following on December 2, 2008 at 4:14 pm.

holy ta-tas Batman!

kat posted the following on April 4, 2009 at 2:17 pm.

Thou art huge gazongas!!

Jim Larkin posted the following on March 4, 2011 at 11:37 am.

HA. Best review ever. I want to come next year. I have a gas mask.


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