Top Ten Nicknames…

November 15, 2008

Last night, I crawled up into Cayden’s bunk bed to get what we in the Groah household refer to as “snuggle time”.  Snuggle time is a routine event- 3 minutes of holding, followed by about 2 minutes of back scratching, ending with a brief discussion on any thoughts that may still be cluttering the dudes’ minds.  I enjoy this ritual, so I was pretty happy when Cayden invited me to snuggle, so much so that I mistakenly referred to him as “Boo-Bear”.  Cayden quickly shot back with “Don’t ever call me that again, Dad”.  I sensed some tension, maybe even a bit of hostility in his terse reply, so we decided to forego the back scratching and head straight to the discussion portion of the evening.  So at 8pm, Cayden and I engaged in a discussion with the hopes of identifying a more appropriate nickname than Boo-Bear.  The following is a list of possible candidates and Cayden’s brilliant insights regarding their potential for boosting his street creds as a bonafide hard ass.

1.  Snuggum Wugums– 

Cayden- “That’s beautiful, and I don’t like beautiful. I’m a boy, try again Dad” . 

Sarcastic Commentary (SC)- Seems Cayden’s not in touch with “Sesame Street” level cuteness or his feminine side.        

2.  Sunflower– 

Cayden- “Don’t make me angry, Dad. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry”.   

SC- You must have known it was coming; I can’t help myself.  In the Marine Corps this is referred to as “flicking someone’s nuts” or “busting their stones”.  Simply stated, Cayden let me know that cutesie nicknames were not appreciated and that to continue down that road would most likely result in physical harm.  He did emphasize his point by applying a vulcan death pinch to the inside of my elbow accompanied by a Hulk-like facial expression and a grunting noise.  Extremely intimidating coming from a guy who occasionally still solicits my help to wipe his butt.  I’m much larger than Cayden, thus willing to push the envelope a bit, so I offered option 3.

3.  Sugar plum

Cayden- Okay! 

SC- Honestly, what the hell, he damn near took my head off for suggesting Sunflower and Snuggums, but somehow Sugar Plum made the grade, who would have known? 6 year olds are so inconsistent.

4.  Destructo 

Cayden-“Raaaahhhhhhhh! I am Destructo, must smash, crush, crush, crush!” 

SC-  Nice going ass-wipe (me being the ass-wipe of course) What the hell did I just do?  Did I just give Cayden a license to break shit around my house?  It’s a fitting handle, I’ll give you that, but really, did I need to give him carte blanche authority to run amuck obliterating knick-knacks like it was his destiny to do so?  I don’t think so. Let’s look for something a little more benign. 

5.  Smelly Sock Snot Monster

Cayden- snort, giggle, snot-bubble, laugh” 

SC- He liked this one a lot, I think he would have gladly taken this one for a no-kidding legitimate name, but he had difficulty articulating it- too much “She sells sea shells by the sea shore” action going on.  Let’s try again.

6.  Nipple Lips Booger Boy

Cayden- “Gasp” (I think he was trying to laugh but no noise came out)

SC- Unable to provide input we moved forward in our quest to select the perfect nickname.

7.  Commander Ear Wax from the planet Altoid

Cayden-   “Dad, is an Altoid those things that Grampa gets on his butt from sitting to long?”

SC- I had no response, I’ll have him call Grampa in the morning for an explanation. 

8.  The Miraculous Mucous-Man (aka the Furious Rectum)

Cayden- “Dad what’s a rectum?”

SC- Moving right along. He can ask Grampa about that one too.

9.  Little boy with gigantic gourd and extremely short temper who is prone to fits of rage when everything does not go his way-Man 

Cayden-What are you trying to say Dad?”

SC- I knew it wouldn’t work but thought I would put it out there for him to chew on.  Who knows, maybe he got the underlying subliminal message that on occasion he can be a tad bit difficult.

10.  Poop-stain O’Hoolihan-

Cayden- “Dad can I put that on the back of my soccer uniform?”

 SC- Absolutely my son, as soon as mommy goes out of town. In fact, I’ll have some business cards made up as well. 

Cayden was satisified with our finished product, as such he slid into sleep fairly easily.  As I walked out the door, I tried out his new moniker to see how it would sound when we weren’t laying side by side giggling together in bed. 


Dad- “Good night Poop-Stain O’Hoolihan”

Cayden- “Love you Daddy” (giggle, snort, snot-bubble, laugh)


What do you know, it works…




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Katie and Katie posted the following on November 19, 2008 at 3:54 pm.

So, Katie and I (aka. Lt Johnson and Traster) were reading the names you gave Cayden and couldn’t stop laughing. We really liked the “Commander Ear Wax from the Planet Altoid” nickname and his resulting comment. That’s some good stuff. You should get paid for some of these blogs. I can see it now “Former Marine MP with a licence to kill gets new job writing blogs about his family”. Sounds like you can stop looking for a post military job!

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