A Few Gift Ideas for Your Loved Ones…

December 18, 2008

Christmas is right around the corner and, if you’re like me, you’re probably having a difficult time finding the perfect gift for that special someone.  When I’m faced with this dilemma I go straight to my boy’s favorite website for inspiration- www.sportsmansguide.com.  They have a ton of great gift ideas, but they also have a few duds…

Ammo can of chocolaty goodness- How about some edible bullets for that little boy or girl who is close to your heart and hell-bent on pursuing a career in your local militia?  I’m not sure how well this gift would be received in our community.  I can see it now, all of us at the grocery store when I yell  “Put your bullets away guys we’re going to have dinner soon” or better yet “Mack, please eat one bullet at a time, we have plenty”.


The Beer Belly- I ran across this handy item and thought what a fantastic gift for that person in your family who has openly admitted that “Yes, I do have a drinking problem, SO WHAT!”  Nothing says you care more than enabling that person to drink undetected at completely inappropriate venues.  The original ad sports a picture of a really happy guy sucking down beers while his wife/girl friend sits nearby completely unaware.  Right on! This is a great gimmick, but how do you explain that tube coming out of your shirt collar and your inability to put together a logical sentence? Hmmm, may need to work the bugs out of this one, but still a great gift for the $54 asking price.




This is a camera disguised as a birdhouse. Conceptually, a bird lands on the perch in the hopes of taking up residence in this sweet-looking little bird condo and SURPRISE- he’s hit by a 6,000 megapixel blast.  Not real sure how the birds will react?  I imagine most of them will fall to the ground stunned by the camera flash and then get eaten by hungry cats, but I could be wrong. I thought maybe Connie would appreciate this, after all, she is a photographer, but then I took it off my list of possibilities. Who wants a bunch of photos of birds with shocked expressions on their faces?





They called this treasure the Friendly-Faced-Trophy. Question- if this plush little fella was so friendly then why did they lop his head off and stick it to a wall?  I bet he wouldn’t have been so damn friendly had he known what was coming.  The ad promised that if you order two or more within the next 10 minutes, you’ll receive a complimentary 6 pack of Bud and a fake salt lick to lure all of the other stuffed animals out of hiding.  Elmo will make an excellent addition to our son’s trophy wall.





Introducing the “Furry Purse”.  Saying the term Furry Purse makes me feel dirty- it sounds like slang for female genitalia.  I am considering this tasteful little number for Connie only because it comes with a set of free PETA demonstrators that I hope to put to work in the yard when they’re not busy protesting Connie’s “Furry Purse” (so naughty).  It also comes with a certificate of authenticity (authentic what- abominable snowman?) and a hair pick to knock out the tangles at no extra charge-BARGAIN!




This is for the man who has everything, except a moose who shits M&M’s. Don’t expect tons of gratitude for this one, as pretending to eat animal excrement is never in vogue, even if does melt in your mouth and not in your hands.





The Tequila Bandoleer- I saved the best for last. This is a high quality number that was assembled from the finest Corinthian leatherette material on the planet. The obvious old world charm and simple elegance are a big draw for holiday consumers. But don’t be fooled; it’s also very functional.  You can stow up to six of your favorite shot glasses in the substantial shoulder strap plus it comes with an ergonomically designed saltshaker pouch to boot.  I ordered three. I promised to order more if the company would willingly design one large enough to hold a 5 gallon jug of Carlo Rossi.




So there you have it- seven high quality items that would look good under any tree.  There is absolutely no excuse for giving Dad a tie this year.  I’m sure he would appreciate any one of these gifts much more, minus the M&M shitting Moose, don’t buy that one- it would be a mistake.  I’ll try to find some more ideas before the big day- until then, happy shopping and Merry Christmas.

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Mike posted the following on December 21, 2008 at 1:30 pm.

Shane, dig you bump your head really hard somewhere along the line? Did they slip you some bad drugs when you had your accident in Guam? Here I thought I was mentally wired wrong, maybe it is just that I’m off the meds again. You’ve got some really great gift ideas there brother but don’t send me any of those. I do like the shitting moose the most though, I’d love to know what the mental health experts think that means. How come you didn’t have trip flares, claymores, and really sharp wire on the list for the boys? My list is short this year and both toys come from Springfield Armory. Does the lass come with the Tequila Bandoleer?

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