NYR #11

January 26, 2009
My son wants to be the next Great White Hunter. I know this because he repeatedly expresses his desire to go hunting. I am not a hunter. I have no desire to sit outside in sub-arctic temperatures waiting for some hapless deer to stumble upon my half frozen carcass so that I can shoot it and then drag it from the wild. Mack, on the other hand, thinks this sounds like an amazingly good time.I knew I was in trouble a couple of weeks ago when I looked out our back window to find my son crawling through the grass stalking a crow like a Marine sniper stalking an enemy target. Wait a minute- what’s that in his hand? Is that a spear? Good God, Mack is armed and is about to skewer a city chicken. I yelled for Mack and the bird flew away. Mack looked defeated.

BTW the spear was homemade, we don’t have no-shit spears laying around our house and we certainly don’t let Mack go outdoors armed with authentic weaponry.

The idea of Mack killing a crow with a makeshift spear was a little unsettling, but I figured after our discussion about eating whatever you kill he would give up on his back yard safari fantasy. I was wrong.

When I looked out our back window this weekend, I saw Mack perched in a tree about six feet off the ground- so of course I investigated. Sure enough my boy had built himself a real life tree stand and was patiently waiting for his prey to come within range. Couple of things Mack forgot about. One, the Groah family forest consists of about 3 trees and a half dead bush- we aren’t exactly sporting a rainforest back there. Two, our yard is fenced, so the likelihood of any big game venturing into our area to hide behind one of our three trees is pretty slim. Finally, he had no weapon other than a baseball-sized rock.

If left to his own devices, the scenario would have unfolded one of two ways. First possibility, Mack gets bored and tosses the rock at a squirrel and in the process he becomes off balanced and plummets to the earth knocking himself unconscious. Second possibility, his little brother happens along and catches Mack’s weapon of choice right between the running lights. Either way, a non-desirable afternoon would soon follow.

I took the rock and gave Mack a pair of binoculars and told him that the news had reported a gorilla sighting in our neighborhood. He believed me. It’s Monday night and he is still out there. Sure is cold tonight.

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Shay posted the following on January 27, 2009 at 1:17 pm.

Make him a venison hamburger without spices and/or onion. The gaminess of the meat might change his mind about hunting. 🙂

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