Saint Carlo of Rossi…

January 29, 2009
Why Carlo Rossi should be a Saint…

1. He is a firm believer in quantity over quality.

2. All of his wines come equipped with a screw top to help seal in the freshness.

3. His products are brand new- none of that 30 year old, tight-ass vintage crap that you buy at high end liquor stores. His stuff is legit- I am pretty sure each bottle comes with a born on date just like a six pack of Coors.

4. Wine in a box lacks sophistication and looks at home when perched on the counter of a mobile home- wine in an industrial-sized jug tells the world you’ve arrived and that your home won‘t roll away during periods of inclimate weather.

5. Carlo Rossi sounds Italian- and everyone knows that Italy is the birthplace of the grape.

6. By volume, it’s cheaper than tap water.

7. Every gallon of Carlo consumed creates three new acres of Brazilian rainforest.

8. If you throw a get-together at your home and provide your guests with Carlo, you’ll still have enough money left over to serve those fancy corndog pastry bites that went over so well at your kids birthday party.

9. Carlo sort of tastes like wine- only without that fine wine aftertaste.

10. Carlo Rossi’s middle name is “Let’s get naked and party until someone throws up”- now that’s the guy I want to align myself with.

11. Carlo voted for Barack Obama and dedicates 50% of his profits to solving the national financial crisis.

12. Carlos Rossi’s Merlot has reportedly cured testicular cancer in lab rats.

13. Carlo is working on a solution to male pattern baldness- and will likely succeed.

14. One glass of Carlo Rossi wine per night makes you slightly more attractive, two glasses makes you a stunner and three gives you superpowers.

15. Carlo Rossi invented online shopping, the miracle bra, and beef.

I can sit here all night and name a hundred more reasons why we should honor Carlo, but my train is about to pull into the station and I’ll need to shut down for the night.

Before I head home to the family, I wanted to give a shout out to Frank the homeless guy who rode next to me for the past 50 minutes. Frank gets co-author credit for this post, he is a huge fan of our man Carlo and provided a large portion of the Carlo facts- especially the last five. Thanks Frank- live free brother…

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