I retire from the Marine Corps this September and recently had the opportunity to attend a week long class on the retirement process. The class is called Transition Assistance Program or TAP. The military no longer likes to say you’re retiring- they would prefer that you call it transitioning. They do this for a couple of reasons. One, your military retirement is not enough to live on so they don’t want to create a false sense of security. And two, the word retiree sends the wrong message to potential employers- the message being I’m kind of old and not real motivated to contribute to your organization’s goals (I kind of believe that one is bullshit, I am retiring and then transitioning)
So I went to learn how to transition into the civilian world. I think this is pretty important stuff for guys like me who have been in uniform for their entire adult lives. The military has its own culture and way of doing things and our methods may at times be inconsistent with the civilian sector. The Marine Corps considers this training valuable as well- they don’t want to unleash us on an unsuspecting public without the benefit of a few pointers.
So I spent a week in civilian clothes listening to various speakers discuss a variety of topics. A lot of the information was geared towards finding a second career, some of it was about benefits and the rest of it focused on how not to become “that Crazy Ex-Marine” who makes the members of his community nervous.
Here are a few of the nuggets I walked away with:
1. In the civilian work force it is frowned upon when you bring an automatic weapon to your place of employment. In the Marine Corps it is only frowned upon if the automatic weapon is dirty- God help you if the damn thing is rusty- that my friends is unforgivable.
2. Civilians don’t have to shave every day and they can grow their hair out as long as they want- even the men. Holy shit, it must be complete anarchy out there! I’m growing me a goatee and some sideburns the minute I retire- maybe I’ll get me a nose ring too.
3. You shouldn’t wear camouflage utilities to your new job. Civilian employers don’t appreciate it when you show up to work dressed as a tree or shrub- most bosses like it when they can locate their subordinates with relative ease. This tells me that In the civilian work force cover and concealment are not considered a priority.
4. There is no need to fortify your cubicle- it is unlikely that you will be rocketed.
5. Most businesses do not shut down for an hour a day to allow their employees to conduct physical training- however, if you’re a smoker you can work 15-minutes per hour into your benefits package for smoke breaks.
6. Dropping “F” bombs is considered tacky and the term should be permanently removed from your lexicon.
7. Some occupations are just a job- not an adventure.
8. In the interview process a potential employer may ask you what you “really think of them, or their organization”. This is not an opportunity to tell them that you believe he or she is a “Pig dressed in a human suit”. The transition assistance program offers a three-day seminar in tact for those of us who have yet to master the concept.
9. Don’t put your weapons qualification on your resume. No one cares if you can hit a silhouette target at 500 meters- it’s probably not relevant to the job your interviewing for anyway.
10. You can’t put overweight co-workers on mandatory physical fitness programs unless they agree to it.
11. Purchase a military to civilian common phrase translation guide- they speak an entirely different language out there. For instance if your boss ask you to prepare a presentation do not reply with the following: (Bolded print represents civilian equivalent)
Shane- “Aye, aye sir. I’m on it like a hobo on a ham sandwich (Okay, I understand). I can have it back in your Area of Operations (Boss’s desk) by COB (close of business). I’ll need 20-mikes (minutes) to give the platoon (co-workers) a warning order (heads up) to prep fires (prepare a outline) on the objective (presentation). Once I get it back we will conduct rehearsals before crossing the line of departure (before I turn in the final product I will run spell check).
12. Regardless of how many hours your employees have worked that day it is never okay to have them strip off their shoes and socks so you can conduct a blister check.
13. If some one gets hurt in the office it is unlikely that you will need to apply a battle dressing or tourniquet. Most injuries which occur in office buildings are fairly benign. BTW calls for “Corpsman Up’ or “Medic” will go unanswered and make fellow co-workers uncomfortable.
14. Along the same lines as #13, most civilians don’t know how to treat a sucking chest wound- lunch break is not the appropriate time to teach them.
15. There is no need to ask subordinate employees if they are properly hydrated. The likelihood of them passing out in a climate controlled office space is fairly low.
16. An assault pack in the civilian work force is known as a brief case.
17. One of our speakers told me I should get a manicure before going to any interviews. Not sure how I feel about that suggestion. All I know is it’s a good thing I wasn’t barefoot- he would have suggested that I amputate my feet. 21-years in combat boots have not been kind to my hooves.
18. Civilian jobs sometimes pay you what’s called “Over-time”. If you are fortunate enough too get paid this money it’s not a mistake and the employer will not ask for it back- it’s actually yours to spend- potentially on a manicure.
19. Never try to put all of your fellow employees in a formation and march them around a parking lot, it will not be appreciated.
20. If your employer ask you to do something that could potentially result in the loss of your life you can say no.
After looking at what I learned this week I probably need to take the course again. There has to be more to this civilian thing that the 20 snippets I just jotted down.
