Time on deck, 6pm…

February 18, 2009
I have been really busy lately and have neglected my blogging responsibilities. I swear if someone will pay me my salary I’ll sit around all day long and type up stupid things- but since no offer has been made I’ll do the best I can with time available.

My plan tonight is to describe my entire evening routine from the time I walk in the door until the minute I finally get to sit down. If you’ve been to my site before you probably know I have a tendency to get a bit wordy but for this post I’m going to describe the entire evening in a single paragraph- possible in a single run-on sentence. Here we go.

Time on deck is 6pm-

“Dads home!!“; Rummage for snacks; Grazing operations commence; Sponge Bob laughter; Fight; “Mack is touching me”; “My Couch!”; “My chair!”; Melt down; Injury; Stomp up the stairs; “Gotta go poop Dad“; Charge Nintendo; “Who left a poop in the toilet?”; Homework; “I forgot my homework”; “I found my homework”; “I only have to do half”; “You’ll do it all”; Guitar practice; Horse With No Name- for the 10 thousandth time; Craft time; Unglue Cayden from the floor; Remove glitter from eye sockets; 3 broken crayons and a missing marker cap; Duck!!! Too late- Nerf dart to the forehead; Money hunting; break up fight over the quarter they found in my coat pocket; “I’m bored”; “Can I have a play date?”; “Water please”; “I love you one million Dad- I love Mom the same”; “What’s for dinner dad?”; “I don’t like that“; “Can I help cook?“; Chicken- again; “Cayden set the table“; “I have to do everything“; “You’re a horrible Dad“; “You’re the best Dad“; “Eat your dinner“; “I‘m full“; Dishes in the sink; “I don’t want to shower first“; 5-minute delay in route to shower to absorb “I Carly” re-run; Naked kids giggling; “I washed my hair yesterday“; Buff dry boys; “Do I have to brush my teeth?”; Tooth paste explosion; “Can I have ice cream?”; “I want candy“; “5 more minutes Dad“; Re-brush , floss, rinse; Read a book; ”I can’t see the pictures Mack!”; Kiss Mom; Lights off; “One minute to talk Dad?”; “Minute’s up go to sleep“, “Gotta poop Dad”; “Me too”; “Hug Dad?”; “Good night guys- go to sleep; “Love you Dad”; “Love you too”; “Who left a poop in the toilet?” Silence.

The time on deck is now 9pm.

That’s about it minus an additional melt down or two. Whoever said parenting is easy is full of shit (sorry for the language but I’m pretty passionate about that statement). Parenting is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It consumes you. It robs you of your individuality- the person you once were is now the maid, the cook, the chauffeur, the tutor, the arbitrator, the nurse and a hundred other professions that you immediately assume the second you return from that damn day job that puts Power Rangers under the tree and Fruit Loops in the bowl. It’s exhausting and often frustrating and there are days when you’ll question the job that you’ve done thus far and the direction that you’ll take tomorrow. But all of that pales in comparison when measured against the unconditional love of your child. Without a doubt, I wouldn’t trade my worst day as a Dad for my best day as just another childless dude. On that thought I’ve got to run and go flush the toilet, I just watched Cayden walk out of the bathroom.

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Jennifer posted the following on February 18, 2009 at 9:09 pm.

Your list of stuff made me tired. And I thought I had the only kids with teachers that said “Do half.” Do half, my a$$! How about I make half of your dinner? OR drive you half way to practice? OR buy half of your birthday presents. OR only let you eat half of that bowl of ice cream? Hmmm, half doesn’t sound so good now does it.

Thank you. I feel better.

shane posted the following on February 18, 2009 at 9:29 pm.

Glad to help out. I just put the boys in bed 2 minutes ago. Cayden is trying to master arm pit farts and Mack is trying to put his foot in his mouth- literally. I’ll be here for the next thirty minutes listening to them wind down- if only they knew how glorious sleep was…

Teri and the cats of Furrydance posted the following on February 18, 2009 at 10:56 pm.

I hadn’t visited your blog in a while, but as always, made me laugh and sigh and say what a great guy.

Don’t ever let me bitch (except to myself) about taking care of 7 cats, ok.

They never flush the toliet but I don’t expect them to; they always finish half their dinner and I never tell them (like my dad did me) Eat it or Wear it; they always hog the covers, occasionally fart, seem to ask why, why, why a lot; and I love them dearly in spite of that.

You can’t get paid for blogging? You could write a book and do the talk show circuit, you would be the talk of the town. But I’m just grateful I found your blog, it restores my faith in humanity and confirms I would have been way too impatient to be a parent!

Teri and the cats of Furrydance

Jen posted the following on February 19, 2009 at 2:45 am.

My two favorite parts of the day are when I pick up the kids from school & when I put them to bed.

Pam posted the following on February 19, 2009 at 11:19 am.

Honestly…as the previous poster said – your writing is absolutely book-worthy! You should definitely look into it (in your spare time LOL)

shane posted the following on February 19, 2009 at 5:31 pm.

Just a quick disclaimer: My boys don’t discriminate when dolling out the nightly routine, if I am unavailable, or if it’s Connie’s turn, they put her through the exact same hoops. They are firm believers in equal opportunity torture techniques.

I think she’ll get this post more than anyone else and 20-years down the road we’ll be able to pull it up and remember what a circus our life was way back then.


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