I never liked the Tooth Fairy anyway…

February 25, 2009

Mack approached me the other night and started asking some pretty hard questions.  Seems he has some insider info about the tooth fairy and is looking to confirm his suspicions.  He opened the conversation with “I know you’re the one leaving the money under our pillows”- “Oh Shit, busted”.  Cornered I attempted evasive action:


Dad- “Dude, that’s gross you couldn’t pay me to touch your old teeth.”

Mack- (sly, knowing grin) “Dad I know it’s you- come clean.”

Dad- (Parry left) “I don’t know what you’re talking about”.

Mack- “Your choice Dad- we can make this as easy or as painful as you want.”

Dad- (starting to sweat) “Dude, come on, really, I have no idea what’s going on- if the Tooth Fairy isn’t real then we’ve both been duped.  I know, lets ask Mom, maybe she knows something” (willingly toss spouse under the bus).


It’s not that I really care about the Tooth Fairy- to be honest the whole idea of a tooth snatching, winged creature creeps me out to begin with.  But for some reason Connie and I fell in line like millions of parents before us and promulgated the myth.  Now eight years into my parenting career I get to break the news to my kids that “Yes boys, your Dad’s a big fat liar, there really is no tiny winged pixie with a tooth fetish and a big bag of dollar bills.”  I can offer up that I didn’t act alone- that every parent I know tells their kids the same thing.  But Mack can be such a smart ass he would probably counter with “Now Dad, if all your grown up buddies decided to jump of a bridge would you do it to?”- sadly son if it was in the name of childhood flights of fancy I probably would.


It’s never as simple as just telling the truth either.  Coming clean about the tooth fairy will inevitably lead to other painful little realizations.  For instance, if the Tooth Fairy is a sham won’t that bring all of the other holiday creatures i.e. Easter Bunny and Santa Claus into question?  I have a hard time with the Easter Bunny to begin with.  Seems a bit far fetched that a rabbit is leaving baskets full of candy hidden in our home- let alone a colored egg shitting, man-sized rabbit who possesses magical powers.  Who thought this one up anyway- couldn’t they have developed a myth that was just slightly more believable and easier for my kid’s imaginations to digest?  I researched the origin of the Easter Bunny and the internet tells me that the Easter Bunny is “a mythical character depicted as an anthropomorphic rabbit. In legend, the creature brings baskets filled with colored eggs, candy and toys to the homes of children on the night before Easter” (Wikipedia).  This myth most likely came from German settlers in or around the 1600s.  I wasn’t sure what anthropomorphic was so I looked that up too.


Anthropomorphism is the attribution of uniquely human characteristics to non-human creatures and beings, natural and supernatural phenomena, material states and objects or abstract concepts. Subjects for anthropomorphism commonly include animals and plants depicted as creatures with human motivation able to reason and converse, forces of nature such as winds or the sun, components in games, unseen or unknown sources of chance, etc. Almost anything can be subject to anthropomorphism”. (Wikipedia, again)


That is some scary shit if you ask me- especially the “almost anything can be subject to anthropomorphism” part.


But, if anything can be subject to anthropomorphism it begs the question how the hell a rabbit got the Easter gig?  If I had been around in the 1600s I would have made the Easter Bunny the “Easter Gorilla” (Gorilla’s are arguably the coolest animal on the planet).  Besides, a gorilla leaving gifts is much more believable considering their ability to grasp the handles of Easter baskets- i.e. the whole opposable thumb thing.  There would be other benefits to a simian Easter creature as well.  I guarantee it would be easier to get your kids to go to sleep the night before Easter if they knew a giant magical gorilla was going to be stalking around the house.  “Listen kids, the “Easter Gorilla” gets very angry when he enters our home in the dead of night and finds little boys and girls still awake, so go to sleep as quickly as possible and whatever you do don’t get out of bed before 9 am”- can you see the advantages of reworking the myth to suit modern parental needs? 


The possibilities to rewriting this myth are endless.  Yes, the “Easter Gorilla” leaves candy for all the good boys and girls- children who misbehave get dragged into the tree line and beaten like a piece Samsonite luggage.  “Hey kids instead of going to the mall and waiting in line to hang with a sweaty dude dressed in a rabbit suit lets go to the zoo and watch the “Easter Gorilla” fling poop at all the bad girls and boys”.  Speaking of flinging poo, you’ve got to wonder what the “Easter Gorilla” would hide in lieu of eggs- I guess that would depend on the amount of fiber in the big guy’s diet. 


If you’re the creative sort, personalize your holiday and start your own “Easter Gorilla” family traditions.  Maybe you can don Gorilla suits and wonder the neighborhood scaring the shit out of the neighbors who refuse to take care of their lawns and drive down the property value of your home (sorry I’m projecting again).  Or you can hang a tire swing in the front yard and light candles around it so the “Easter Gorilla” can relax a bit before {terrorizing his next victim} visiting the next deserving family.  Sadly, all this fun will go unrealized as we are stuck with a man-sized rabbit for a holiday deity.


I kind of went on a tangent with the whole gorilla thing (I really like gorillas) but the bottom line is Mack’s bullshit-o-meter is just about pegged and he is having a hard time logically accepting the Tooth Fairy.  This places me in a quandary.  If I continue to tell him I believe in the whole magic fairy thing then he is going to think that I should be heavily medicated.  Conversely, if I tell him the truth then I’m a liar and anything that comes out of my mouth from here on out is going to be questioned.  I wish I would have thought about this years ago, now I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.  Why do parents do this to themselves?







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Michael Lipe posted the following on February 27, 2009 at 2:11 am.

You are by far one of the smartest men I have ever had the privilege knowing. I love your blog. It makes me laugh even when I don’t want to.

admin posted the following on February 27, 2009 at 9:22 pm.

mike, you really think the “Easter Gorilla” has merit? I knew this was a good idea?

BTW if I’m in your top ten list of smartest people you know then you need to get out more. semper fi buddy. sg

Jeremiah posted the following on May 26, 2009 at 12:14 am.

Love your blog! You really have a talent for writing! And for what its worth, I think the Easter Gorilla is an awesome idea!

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