Holy Shit I’m Jobless…

February 27, 2009

In a few short months I will be jobless. To make this even more interesting in a few short months I will be jobless in our rapidly collapsing, super-shitty economy. Yep, that sums it up nicely- sounds promising doesn‘t it? With that on the table, I need to get hot finding a second career. If anyone out there knows of some decent job openings you need to let me know- I’ll be available the first week of June.

If you’re wondering about my qualifications, rest assured the Marine Corps has done an excellent job making me competitive in today’s dynamic job market. So if you know of any organizations looking for the following strengths in a future employee please send them my way.

Retired Marine seeks employment:

Team player– Willing to go anywhere to do anything for minimal compensation.

Insured- Does not require health insurance as he is unlikely to admit when he is sick or broken in the first place.

Cool under pressure- Rarely gets flustered- unless you call for “jihad” on his happy ass and attempt to make him leave the planet before he is ready (in circumstances such as these the incumbent does not accept responsibility for his actions).

Relocatable- Airborne qualified enabling rapid relocation of family and personal effects as needed.

Reliable- will never be late for work (former employer stressed punctuality by incarcerating those who could not comply).

People person– Unless those people disagree with the Constitution of the United States or pose a threat to National security.

Capable-Will accomplish more before 8am than most of your employees will accomplish all day.

Multilingual- Mastered curse words and the phrase “stop or I’ll shoot you” in over 15 foreign languages- sure to be a hit during contract negotiations with international clientele.

Extremely knowledgeable- In automatic weapons, fields of fire, and offensive operations- a force multiplier for any corporation fearing hostile takeover or unwanted mergers.

Loyal-Spent 21-years placing the needs of his country ahead of his family‘s and his own- not willing to go that far for a “For-Profit“ organization, but he will still be pretty damn loyal.

Enjoys a challenge-One word “Marine“- can probably handle what you have to offer.

Strong work ethic-Can still crush the Marine Corps physical fitness test- wait a minute that‘s just strong. Never mind probably doesn’t apply- but he is a hard worker none the less.

Hours-Can work 18-hours a day without food or water, but does require (1) hour for physical training (PT) (non-negotiable).

Holidays-Can work those too, however demands that on 10 November the oldest and youngest employee in the company share a bite of cake in celebration of the birth of the Marine Corps.

Responsible-Consistently seeks positions of increased responsibility- will most likely challenge you for your job within two weeks of being hired.

Positive-“I can‘t“ does not exist in his lexicon. He’ll accomplish the mission just don’t ask him how he got the results- culpable deniability.

The Marine Corps has given me lots of other great skills that are surely in demand in the civilian sector. For instance I didn’t even mention that I’m a trained anti-tank assault man or a rappel master. Those skills alone should land me a great corporate job- but only if your competition drives tanks or you need to rappel into your cubicle to start the work day. My time on the drill field should be helpful as well- who wouldn’t want a former drill instructor in their office Fantasy Football league? Sure am excited about getting out there and making my fortune, so like I said if you know anyone interested in a guy like me please send my way.

Share and Enjoy:
  • Print
  • Digg
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Facebook
  • Yahoo! Buzz
  • Twitter
  • Google Bookmarks

Lisa Kelly posted the following on February 28, 2009 at 7:22 am.

I’d hire you in a heart beat, hahaha. I love your sarcastic take on life, it makes me laugh.

shane posted the following on February 28, 2009 at 11:27 am.

Man Connie would be really, really mad if I went to work for another Photog, could you imagine what that would do for my home life- Yikes!!!

Jana Kunz posted the following on February 28, 2009 at 1:36 pm.

Growing up as a military brat your post crack me up. Thanks for the entertainment. 🙂

Dennis posted the following on February 28, 2009 at 8:33 pm.

not to mention: nobody can did a bigger hole, electrians apprentice, personal trainer, trivia master, wine taster, concrete and stone path mason, O.S.H.A offficial, sniper, and of course great Friend…..keep em coming…

shane posted the following on February 28, 2009 at 10:13 pm.

All solid points Dennis, maybe I can get my good friend Carlo Rossi to sponsor me on an around the world wine drinking quest- wouldn’t that be sweet- drink wine critque it move on to the next jug. Ahhh, my dream job.

Pammy posted the following on March 1, 2009 at 9:17 pm.

Shane, why don’t you get yourself a digital camera and sell pictures. The world knows that it’s all about the camera and not the photographer, right? Easy money. SNORT

Kayla posted the following on March 2, 2009 at 4:06 pm.

I think you should become “Shane Groah: Office Marine” … kinda like Terry Tate, only more camoflauged.

shane posted the following on March 2, 2009 at 5:28 pm.

I’m sensing a little bitterness Pammy- photography is like singing- you either have the gift or you don’t- Me- not very gifted at either so I think I’ll keep my distance. I kind of like Kayla’s suggestion I’ll have to look into that one.

Jeff posted the following on March 27, 2009 at 3:26 pm.

If you add electrician to your resume’ I’m not turning on the lights the whole house would blow up :). Great post.

Jeremiah posted the following on May 26, 2009 at 12:10 am.

I just found your blog via Sherri Winstead photography and I have been reading for a few hours now. I only stop occasionally to let rip with a laugh that makes the rafters ring and make all around me including my two cats wonder if I have finally snapped.


Leave a reply

*