I am the Law…

April 5, 2009

I think I figured out what I want to do with my life after I retire from the Marine Corps. I haven’t completely thought this out so I may be lacking all the details required to make it happen and this may seem slightly directionless but I think the idea has merit so bear with me.

I’ve decided that I want to be a judge.

Now granted I don’t have a law degree nor do I possess a solid understanding of our judicial process, but then again neither do most of our elected officials- besides I think that if I specialize none of that will matter anyway. I’ve decided to sit in judgment of all those celebrities that have gone astray of the law.

For these cases I don’t really need a law degree or years of experience. Most celebrity cases are cut and dry- I’m prepared to provide some examples. As I rode the metro into work the other day I read the free newspaper that they so graciously distribute to prevent people from making eye contact with each other. In this brief 20-page periodical I found several legal cases that I could wrap up quite easily in the matter of minutes. The way I look at it if I received a salary equal to a ¼ of the estimated cost of a long drawn out legal battle I could save the public hundreds of thousands of dollars- and still afford to send the manimals to college.

Here are the types of cases I would adjudicate- keep in mind this is one day’s worth of offenders taken from a reputable newspaper.

Matt Dillon is arrested for driving 106 miles per hour. He didn’t do this on the Daytona speed way- nope he reached speeds in excess of 100 mph on the same roads that school buses travel when delivering your kids to their classrooms each day. He was charged with speeding (obviously) and reckless operation of a motor vehicle (just as obvious). My man Matt, pleaded guilty, no shit- you‘re busted take it on the chin like a man. But get this, he pleaded guilty on the condition that they drop the reckless operation of a motor vehicle charge. HOLY SHIT! Are you kidding me? The only thing that could have made this more reckless is if he had been beer bonging Mohito’s as he drove through a school zone. This idiot was driving over 100 MPH what about that doesn’t scream reckless? His punishment for endangering all us common folk- $800.00 in fines- how poor Matty will pay the bills this month is a mystery.

My first motion as the new Supreme Judge of Stupid Celebrity Antics would be to fire everyone that was in court room that day, granted Matt probably wasn’t there- people of his level of importance routinely send a proxy to answer for their mistakes. My next motion would be to uphold the speeding and reckless operation charges-but then add a vagrant stupidity and arrogance charge. My additional charge carries a minimum 10 year prison term- and it isn’t in some cushy country club of a prison either. Mr. Dillon this is Bubba he’ll be your new cell mate- Bubba meet Mr. Dillon, he’s an actor…

Next up, Andre 3000, of the Grammy award winning music group Outkast.

 I would give him ten additional years for the outfit alone

Mr. 3000 was driving 109 MPH in a 65 MPH zone. When stopped by police he told them he was speeding because he “missed his turn“. I’m stunned they didn’t immediately release him when he articulated this exceptionally logical explanation for breaking the sound barrier, after all everyone knows how quickly turn lanes disappear when you pass them up. Good god, that lane was probably long gone by the time he finally got done pleading with the authorities- he should sue them for making him miss it. BTW quick thinking Mr. 3000, I would have come up with something much more lame like… oh, I don‘t know how about- my hair was on fire and I was trying to put it out with g-force winds. Maybe I am good at this?

Sentencing. You obviously like the number 3,000- so here are a few things that begin with your favorite number: 3,000 hours of community service, after you serve 3,000 days in jail and donate 3,000 dollars to every charity I can think of. That should just about do it.

Dante Stallworth of the Cleveland Browns was recently charged with vehicular manslaughter complicated by a DUI charge. I can’t think of a single funny thing to say about this. All the newspaper wanted to discuss was how the Cleveland Browns didn’t rally around him in his time of need. Seriously? I think the Brown’s statement was the classiest thing I have heard from a professional sports team regarding charges of this nature. They simply said “we’re sorry that Mr. Stallworth put himself in such a horrible position” period.

Part of me wants to say “let the family of the victim beat him senseless with a tack hammer”- but that would be cruel and unusual and make me sound excessively violent. Instead I would opt to send him through the conventional judicial system- I don’t think even they could screw this one up- maybe I’m being naïve.

But I could handle this one. Katie Holmes spent over 40k on a makeover. A complete head transplant doesn‘t cost that much- what the hell did she have done? Unable to get my arms around how someone could spend more on a makeover than I did on our mini-van I attempted to gain some perspective. So yesterday morning I set out to make myself extra special handsome- I didn’t pull any punches I went all out.

I woke up at 0430, and went straight to the bathroom where I treated my tired pores to a refreshing exfoliation with a fresh bar of “Irish Spring-Aloe” ($.73). I then lathered up with shaving gel ($2.23) vice Barbasol foam- a good comparison would be drinking Crystal in lieu of Carlo Rossi (sorry Carlo you know I got love for you). I then shaved with a Gillette sensor- a completely reckless purchase. A 4-pack of replacement blades alone cost $13- I told you I spared no expense. Once my face was smooth and kissable I slathered on a heaping gob of Aqua Velva shaving lotion ($1.98). I flattened out that weird cowlick located on the top of my head with a dab of styling gel ($.11, approximately). I combed my hair but I all ready owned the comb. When I bought the comb back in the 90’s it was like $.75, but with all the other stuff I was lavishly treating myself too I figured I’d keep that out of the tally. I brushed my teeth, flossed and rinsed with Listerine (the good stuff, not a cheap knock off like Plax)- all said and done about $.80 worth of dental hygiene goods Off to work I went for the finishing touches. I arrived at the 5-sided circus tent and went straight to the barber. My 80-year old Korean barber obviously noticed that I was in top form- she smiled at me and said something intelligible. This is pretty normal but her tone told me she thought I was looking exceptionally “Hawt” that day. I asked her for the works, spare no expense; make me look like a screen idol. Six minutes later and my wallet $7.00 lighter I emerged from her chair looking more dapper than George Clooney on his best day. I was done- no way could I look any better than I did at that very moment. Lets tally up the damage.

$.73 + $2.23 + $13.00 + $1.98 + $.11 + $.80 + $7.00 = $25.85

Since I have my calculator out let me do a little more math- $40,000 – $25.85 = $39,974.15.

I have to wonder did Katie Holmes look $39k better than me after her “make-over”- I find it highly unlikely. This means that she needlessly wasted about 3-semesters worth of college tuition, a dozen house payments, or enough money to feed several impoverished African countries. I could have really put that money to work- but instead all of that cash was wasted to make sure that Ms. Holmes’s highlights matched her eyebrows perfectly. With the state of our national economy I take this type of frivolous spending very seriously, though I don’t believe she deserves a prison term. Instead I’ll simply sentence her to relinquish her wardrobe and grooming budget to help soften the National deficit. See I’m a kind and generous man.

I could really use some help from the public at large to lobby for my position- I think it’s appropriately placed within the Supreme Court. So write your elected officials and ask for them to support me- I don’t want a gap in pay checks. You saw how much money it took to get me looking good- to many more days like that and I’ll be broke.

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Jeff posted the following on April 16, 2009 at 2:57 pm.

The only problem would be keeping the hysterical laughter down in your court room… I’ve been there when you have ajudicated people, and it is truly hard not to laugh out loud.

Heather posted the following on April 17, 2009 at 1:48 am.

Wow, Shane! You could be a guest on “The Heather and Holly Show”! This is what Scott and my Dad call it when my Mom and I start in with our opinions on items such as the ones listed in your blog. I had no idea you had such well-formed opinions on such a wide range of topics!

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