Gym Etiquette…

May 8, 2009
I love to work out- I’ve been doing it consistently for over 20 years. And in the past 20 years I’ve been in a hundred different gyms and just as many locker rooms. If you’ve never exercised in a public gym and you’re considering joining one allow me to offer you some sage advice on proper locker room etiquette. This applies to men’s locker rooms only. The only insight I have into women’s locker rooms is what I saw in the movie “Porky’s” and Connie told me that it’s not very accurate (there goes that male fantasy!).

So I came up with these locker room commandments from stuff that I see on a consistent basis at the gym I’m currently working out at. At first I thought it was just me who thought that some of the behavior lacked decorum- but it isn’t, several of my friends feel the exact same way. So without further ado “locker room Commandments”:

Thou shalt not attempt to engage in conversation while buck-ass naked drying in the breeze of a 6-foot floor fan.

Thou shalt not place one’s sweaty bare ass on the locker room benches- A cloth barrier between sweaty ass and bench is mandatory.

Thou shalt not comment on your buddy’s improved physical appearance while standing naked in a group of other men you have never met before.

Thou shalt observe the imaginary bubble, hence forth referred to personal space, at all times while inside the locker room- clothed or otherwise. “Close Talking” is frowned upon considerably.

Thou shalt travel to and from the shower with a towel wrapped around one’s waist. Wandering around the locker room aimlessly with a towel draped over your shoulder and nothing covering your man parts is creepy.

Thou shalt not groom theyself in front of the few available mirrors while naked- Rule of Thumb pants first, application of hair care products second.

Thou shall not burst into song while in the shower with 20 other men.

Thou shalt not ask one’s buddy to examine any type of boil, cyst or ingrown hair while naked in a public locker room.

Thou shalt maintain eye contact if conversation is absolutely necessary. However, most conversations (except possibly “Help me I’m on fire”) can wait until both of you are completely clothed.

Thou shalt not spend more time in the locker room than one did in the gym actually working out.

These are some basic survival tips to help the novice gym rat get started. Some may think this advice sounds homophobic- but before you start typing an angry comment about tolerance let me say that it has nothing to do with sexual orientation. The intent is to encourage people to exercise some decency, courtesy and respect- I think everyone can get behind that, but I’ve been wrong before…




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