Warped Reality…

June 13, 2009
Some things a man shouldn’t “Blog” about and watching reality television is one of them. But I’m secure enough to admit that on occasion I’ll join Connie on the couch and inattentively watch whatever reality program she may have on. Don’t get me wrong she doesn’t drag me to the couch, prop my eyelids open and blare “Dancing with the Stars” through the surround sound ( “A Clockwork Orange” is one of my favorite movies). But she controls the remote and if I want to relax on the couch after wrestling the kids to sleep I’m going to absorb a little network “un-reality“. Last night was one of those occasions.

The show of the evening? “The Bachelorette”- fine programming in it’s own right. This show is one of my favorites- but not for reasons you may suspect. You may think that I enjoy this program because it provides me a glimpse into the life of a successful yet unfulfilled woman desperately searching for her soul mate. If this sounds like a reasonable explanation to you don’t apply to be a contestant on “I‘m Smarter Than a Fifth Grader“- those kids will stomp your ass and steal your lunch. I like watching the Bachelorette because I take comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in the big, wide world is a collection of people dumber than I. But isn’t this what draws many of us to reality television in the first place? Don’t we tune in so that we can marvel at the stupidity of mankind in turn feeling better about ourselves? It’s like watching two trains collide- you feel really bad for the passengers- but at the same time you feel really good about yourself for having taken the bus instead.

Having said that I‘m sure that I offended someone. Probably the same people who actually cast votes on American Idol or get emotionally choked up when Tyra theatrical exclaims that “one of these girls may be America’s next top model”. If you’re having trouble thinking of any people who fit this description run through your list of friends- if any of them have changed their farewell salutation to “ (insert last name here), Out!” then you’ve just met a person who believes Ryan Seacrest should run for public office- steer clear of them they‘ve walked away from the light- there‘s nothing you can do for them now..

Where was I? Oh Yeah, the Bachelorette. So why do I consider this show stupid? Let me see:

The bachelorette (Jillian) was the runner-up on last season’s “The Bachelor”- which means she knows that the odds of this thing working out in her favor are extremely slim. Hell, with five or six seasons under our collective viewing belts we all know that this shit isn’t going to work- the difference is all of us didn’t apply for the inevitable kick in the junk.

Jillian believes that 25 random men from across the country signed up for the show because they were looking for a long term relationship, potentially marriage, with a woman they never met. Bullshit, they signed up for the show because being on TV’ is legit, plus while on their dates they get to do super cool stuff like take helicopter rides and go paragliding. Sorry, I doubt their sincerity.

The dudes on the show think the smart thing to do while courting Jilliam is to drink gallons of hard alcohol before, during and after each date. I agree, booze makes us appear smarter, funnier and better looking- to other drunk people. Good luck if Jillian experiences a moment of sobriety.

Did you ever notice that all of the guys have way-cool occupations? Well, not everyone. Last night Jillian went out with a guy who’s occupation was listed as “Pizza Entrepreneur”. I fell out when they announced that one. My God, call a spade a spade! You are not a pizza entrepreneur- you my friend are a pizza delivery boy. Just because you only have three payments left on that Pinto your driving and you can make it to my house in under 30-minutes doesn’t make you an entrepreneur. Don’t get me wrong there’s nothing wrong with being a pizza delivery guy (if you’re 17) but don’t try to dress up the title just to impress a nation wide audience. It’s kind of like a rest room attendant calling himself a “A Facilities Management Czar”. I’ve seen corporations apply this formula in the past with minimal success as well- Subway “Sandwich Artists” or Starbucks “Coffee Baristas”. Bullshit, one makes bologna sandwiches and the other coffee- my Mom did this for years and no one gave her a fancy 6-syllable title.

Why else do I think “The Bachelorette” is stupid?

They always keep the biggest asshole in the running to improve ratings. This is one ploy that actually works for ratings but ruins the credibility of our heroine. So check it out, if you have absolutely no chance of winning but want to stretch out your 15-minutes of fame act like a complete ass and have all of America wondering what stupid thing you’ll do next. Trust me you’ll grace our screens for at least a couple of additional weeks.

One more, for me it is completely obvious that 99% of the dudes are “in it to win it”- the competition not the girl. I know this because when the guys get interviewed all that they can say is “I really want to stay in the house”, “I really want to win this thing” or “I don’t want to go home”. I can understand the Pizza Entrepreneur’s desire to not move back into his parent’s basement- but shouldn’t the rest of the dudes being saying “I love this woman and can’t live without her”? Just a thought.

I can’t let this one go, bear with me I swear this will be my last jab at the Bachelorette. It’s supposed to be a reality show right? But in what reality does a courting couple have such elaborately choreographed dates lined up one after another? I don’t know about you but in my reality I don’t helicopter up the side of a mountain to an exquisitely catered picnic lunch complete with hot tub and camera crew. And after the picnic I don’t take a limousine to a private Rolling Stones concert where I get to enjoy the show while sitting in a claw foot bathtub full of freshly plucked rose petals. Of course Jillian and her dates are happy- who the hell wouldn’t be? It’s easy to fall passionately in love when everything around you is designed to make you feel like the luckiest couple in the world- but is this the yardstick that you want to measure your true feelings with. I say no.

Why don’t we do this instead: We’ll temp loan them some kids and a stack of bills with barely enough money to pay them. They can eat whatever is in the frig and drink wine straight from the box. About midnight we‘ll simulate the children getting the flu so they can experience the joys of wiping butts and scrubbing vomit into the wee hours of the morning. When that’s all done we’ll let the happy couple fight over who gets too nap while the other makes breakfast for the amazingly recovered children before running them to their respective baseball games which go at the same time but are on opposite sides of town.

Yep, I think this would be a much more accurate “love” litmus test and I for one would tune in to see the carnage.



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Donna posted the following on June 14, 2009 at 10:41 pm.

Oh Shane…you are toooo funny…..and I, too, watch Jillian on Monday nights…and you are absolutely right…..this is NOT reality, but they are having fun??? So….who would you pick for her? I like the guy from San Diego…but he’s probably in it for the publicity…can’t stand Wes…think he’s looking for a Country Music career!!

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