Daily retirement chores

June 28, 2009

As my first week of retired life comes to a close I think I’ve settled into a comfortable pattern.  Here’s what I’ve come up with so far.

0600- wake up, scratch man-parts, try to remember where I am and why it’s not pitch black outside- Oh shit, I’m late for work!

0615- I realize that I’m retired- but only after frantically searching for my black berry, pistol and boots for 15-minutes.

0620- check progress on beard, it’s mostly gray- friggin awesome, I wait 21-years to grow a beard only to discover that I’m Kenny Roger’s bastard love child. 

0630- Go to the gym because I’m a creature of habit.  The thought does pass through my mind that now that I’m a civilian I really don’t need to conduct physical training every day.  What kind of crazy thought is that?  I punish myself for those irrational thoughts by working out twice as hard as usual.

0820- Arrive at home the boys are awake and surprised to see me.  I explain to them that I’m retired for the 9-zillioneth time.  They nod like they understand but I know they’ll act completely surprised again tomorrow.

0830- Check beard progress.

0845-1000- make an elaborate breakfast of eggs, sausage, toast and pan cakes- kids eat like birds and then ask for “Corn Pops”.   (Note- I’m a dumb-ass, put away the pots and pans and feed the kids Pop Tarts until they throw up)

1000-1200-  Walk aimlessly around the house trying to think of something productive to do.

1200-1300- Settle on rearranging the linen closet- good chore for a trained killer, maybe tomorrow I’ll tune into Martha Stewart to figure out how to color coordinate our throw pillows and drapes.

1300-1500- Take kids to  pool, drink beer, scratch beard and discuss “John and Kate + 8” with the other stay at home Moms.  I think the other Moms are envious of my beard they have no facial hair to scratch- except that one Mom who has a thicker mustache than me.  If I would have known that she would get all huffy I never would have complimented her on her killer “Fu-Manchu” .  Good God, civilians are so sensitive.

1500-1630- Force kids to do summer school work and reward their academic achievements with “Flintstones” chewable vitamins.  Now that the good parenting block is checked take kids out back to shoot Mack’s air-soft rifle.

1632- Get tweezers to remove air-soft pellet from my buttocks- Mack refuses to apply Neosporin.  No way am I asking Connie- I’d never hear the end of it.  BTW, if you want to find out how much an air-soft pellet hurts shoot an unsuspecting pedestrian do not ask your child to shoot you in the ass- it will not turn out well.

1700-  Play catch with the boys- Because I’m retired.

1800- Light the grill and demonstrate to the guys what happens when you spray “Pam” directly into an open flame.

1810- Pencil on some eyebrows so Connie won’t find out what i just taught the boys.

1830- Eat Dinner.

1900- Let the boys catch fireflies and put them in our good Tupperware containers- “yes, you can punch holes in the lids to let them breathe”.

2030- Kids in bed, begin planning for the next day’s adventure.

Retirement is good to go.  Tomorrow I’m heading to the drug store to purchase a beard trimmer for my new pool buddy.  I know she won’t appreciate it, but if I want to really experience some “desperate housewives” type shit I’ve got to stir that pot.  Wish me luck…

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Michelle posted the following on June 29, 2009 at 4:24 pm.

Thanks for the laugh!

Tango posted the following on June 30, 2009 at 6:50 am.

lol….congrats on the baby beard.

darev2005 posted the following on July 1, 2009 at 9:45 am.

Jeez… hang out another 14 years and I’ll be able to join you by the pool. Unless I get whacked first.

heather mckay bowes posted the following on July 3, 2009 at 3:14 pm.

Shane, you had me LMAO with this daily retirement chore…i need to check this more often for a good dose of laughter!
(my antispam word is snotmonster…do you have any say in those?!)

Heather posted the following on July 7, 2009 at 12:10 am.

All I can say is that I’d better not be the one with the mustache! 🙂

shane posted the following on July 8, 2009 at 5:25 pm.

I may have had something to do with the anti-spam words, what gave me away?

Heather please, you don’t have a mushtache!!! I’ll point her out next time we’re up at the pool together, guessing that will most likely be tomorrow…

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