You may not be aware of this…

July 22, 2009

My boys amaze me every day.  Here is a short list of random things that I’ve learned by observing them in their natural habitat- I feel like Jim from “Wild Kingdom” where’s my tranquilizer gun?

1.  Children are not born with an innate desire to deposit waste into an approved trash receptacle.  They are hardwired to drop items they’ve lost interest in right where they stand.  Apparently the energy it takes to carry garbage the additional 4-feet to the “shit-can” creates undue stress on their operating systems.

2.  When children spend a week alone with the grandparents they will be perfect angels- they do this to ruin your credibility when you call to complain about what a pain in the ass they were the previous week.

3.  If you ask them if they brushed their teeth the answer will always be “Yes”.

4.  If you find a human poop floating in the toilet alone (i.e. no toilet paper in the bowl) don’t be alarmed.  Kids often measure the necessity to wipe by the consistency of the bowel movement- very eco-friendly if you ask me.

5.  Promises your children make to acquire a trip to Chuck E. Cheese are not valid, and will not be honored, once they turn in their tickets at the prize counter.  If you want results make them pay up before you walk through Chuck’s front door.

6.  The contempt your son’s routinely display towards each other is how male sibliings demonstrate love for each other.

7.  A seven hour road trip with children will make you wonder if this is what Hell is like- suddenly I feel like returrning to church.   

8.  If Tony Hawk ran for President and little boys were of legal age to vote their would be a half pipe on the White House lawn.

9.  Regardless of how large your living room couch is your sons will sit on top of each other and complain about how the other keeps touching them.

10.  You can serve them an old shoe for breakfast and they’ll gladly eat it if you smother it in powered sugar.

11. They’re never so bored that they will willingly do housework or homework.

12.  If you’re ever in need of an additional pound of potting soil simply scrape it from underneath your son’s finger nails.

13.  My son’s hearts are shaped liked chicken nuggets.

14.  A McDonald’s Happy Meal toy has 7-seconds worth of utility, after that it gets deposited between the couch cushions for safe keeping.   BTW, the only chance of said toy regaining a place of prominence within your home is if you get caught trying to throw it away- then all of a sudden it’s the most important thing in your child’s life.

15.  Boys will learn how to spell the words Fart, Poop and Butt before learning how to spell their own last names.

16.  Kids are more capable than we think.

17.  Beware of what they are searching on Google- my boys learned how to start a fire with a D-cell battery and a wad of steel wool.

18.  Invest in band-aids.

19.  Boys go hunting for lost money.  They will look on top of the washer, between the cushions, inside old coat pockets and in your wallet- what ever they find they believe belongs to them.

20.  Little boys can catch squirrels with their bare hands- squirrels do not appreciate the attention.

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darev2005 posted the following on July 25, 2009 at 10:05 am.

It’s just bloody amazing, innit? It’s almost like they are alien creatures until I look back at my early years and say “Yup. I did that, too.”

lynn craig posted the following on July 26, 2009 at 2:11 pm.

I sure hope #6 is true….my boys have proven #15 too (and taught their little sister)

Ok, admit it – did you pick the anti-spam word? (Poop stain?)

shane posted the following on July 29, 2009 at 12:11 am.

Lynn, no idea what you’re talking about- “Poop Stain” was completely random, my computer must have some how accidently linked all of those letters together, how odd is that;)

Pye posted the following on August 4, 2009 at 11:38 pm.

Haha, I stumbled upon this blog just randomly surfing around and I love it! Your posts are hilarious. Keep it up!

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