I fail to see what’s so amusing…

July 29, 2009

We recently spent an entire day at Hershey park Amusement Park with the boys and several of our friends.  Here are a few of my observations concerning amusement parks:

1.  Wooden roller coasters built in the 60’s are not meant for people over the age of 11.  Reason being- the skeletal structure of an adolescent is capable of absorbing the unnatural impact of a non-ergonomically designed wheeled box hurling itself down a rickety plank of wood at break neck speeds.  The spinal column of an adult on the other hand has long ago lost its elasticity and will revolt at the mere idea of having to endure this type of abuse.  It only took me 1600 mg of Motrin to come to grips with this realization.

2.  In order to lessen the chances of an unruly, druken mob of adults looting the $12 hot dog stands amusement parks limit establishments which serve alcohol.  Furthermore, the location of these establishments is clouded in mystery making it almost impossible for those of us looking to seek refuge in the bottle to find them.

3.  As I near 40 years of age I no longer find adults dressed as giant cartoon characters, chocolate bars or furry woodland creatures even remotely comforting.  In fact, I am quite disturbed by the sight of these creatures and can’t help but wonder how long it’s been since those sweaty costumes have been washed and sterilized.

4.  Any ride which spins around and around and around at the speed of light will make me spew out the $12 hot dog that I grudgingly ate for lunch.

5.  I hate people who decide to have their family reunions at amusement parks.  I hate them even more if they all decide to wear the same neon colored,  “Jones Family” reunion T-shirt.  Does this mean that I’m intolerant?

6.  At the summit of each major roller coaster is a camera  waiting to snap a picture of your “Holy-Shit face”.  By the time you funnel through the exit the picture will be prominently displayed in larger than life color for all to view.  Most amusement park patrons are mildly embarassed  at how they look when potentially plummeting to their death- not Shane.  Shane considers this little extra an opportunity to out-do everyone in the “stupid facial expression” category.  The only trouble is I was the only one really competing- most people who saw my pictures thought I was mentally challenged.

7.  You cannot eat a healthy meal in an amusement park.  The healthiest thing I saw all day was a frozen, chocolate coated bananna dipped in chunks of Butter Finger- it cost $69.00.

8.  There isn’t a single amusement park in America built on flat ground.  Apparently, mountainous terrain is ideally suited for supporting amusement park rides, so be prepared to walk up and down hills for 8-hours straight.

9.  My kids are fearless and want to ride the most dangerous rides available- I am not fearless and would rather staple my tongue to the roof of my mouth than ride anything called “Satan’s Fiery Pit of Annihilation”.

10.  My kid’s smiled all day long- which makes the 9-trips I endured on “Satan’s Fiery Pit of Annihilation” a wise investment.

Thank God this is an annual trip- twice in one year would probably kill me.

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Heather posted the following on August 1, 2009 at 2:01 am.

Glad you had such a good time! ha ha ha I missed that Fiery Pit ride…have to catch that one next year. 🙂

admin posted the following on August 2, 2009 at 7:00 am.

are you kidding I had a great time, the kids are still wound up over it.


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