I love me some telemarketers…

October 23, 2009



I love telemarketers.  Connie knows this about me and will often pull up a chair when one calls just to listen to my line of bullshit.  The most recent one was a Wachovia sales associate trying to sell me a financial protection plan.  It was a long conversation- I can’t believe the guy hung in there so long.  The following transcription isn’t 100% accurate- but it’s pretty damn close.


Shane- “Hello”


Caller-  “Hey Joseph, how ya doing?”


Shane- (only telemarketers call me Joseph)


Caller (hence forth known as Chris)-  “My name is Chris and I just wanted to say thank you for being a valued Wachovia customer all these years- you’ve really done an excellent job staying on top of your finances.”


Shane- “Why thank you Chris.  Is Wachovia going to give me a free gift for being such a valued customer?”


Chris- “Can I call you Joe?”


Shane- “Sure Chris- but only you, okay?”


Chris- “We are extending you a gift Joe, we’re gifting you “piece of mind”- and that my friend is something that you can’t put a price on.”


Shane- (Now we’re friends?) “Why Chris, tell me more.”


Chris- “Have you heard about our financial preparedness program which protects your family and home from such things as natural disasters or loss of employment?”


Shane- “Natural disasters!” 


Chris- “Yes, natural disasters and loss of employment.  If you were to lose your job while covered under this program your mortgage and other financial responsibilities would continue to get paid for a period of up to 12-months- sounds comforting doesn’t it?”


Shane- “I was comforted up until the point where the word natural disaster floated out of your face.  Do you know something I don’t?  What kind of natural disasters are we talking about?”


Chris- “A tornado for instance- that’s a natural disaster- can we use that as an example?”


Shane- “Is swine flu a natural disaster?”


Chris- “You know Joe I’m not really sure, why don’t we use loss of employment- that’s a pretty common thing in today’s economy, don’t you think?”


Shane- “What about a tsunami?  If pig flu isn’t a disaster could we at least use a tsunami as an example?  Something about all that water really makes my butt pucker.  Holy shit, one of them tsunami things hit Thailand a couple of years back and damn near wiped out the whole continent- you hearing me Chris?  That my friend is a natural disaster.  Besides, the word Tsunami is cool to say and really hard to spell- don’t you agree Chris?”


Chris- “Yes Joe that was a very unfortunate event- extremely sad; and yes tsunami is a difficult word to spell”


Shane- “Is this program available in Thailand, because I can’t even begin to imagine the payout for that one.  I bet those folks not only lost their homes they probably lost their jobs too- unless of course they were scuba divers then they probably got paid overtime.  Does Wachovia pay double if you get hit by a natural disaster and lose your job at the same time Chris?”


Chris- “Mr. Groah, back to the program- for $7 a month you can participate in this program and offer your family the gift of financial stability during uncertain times”


Shane- “Like during a natural disaster right?”


Chris- “Yes, like during a natural disaster”


Shane- “Can I elect to join the program after a natural disaster has occurred?  That way I can justify the $7 monthly payment to my wife- if I think about it that would be the best $7 ever spent.”


Chris- “That’s not how it works Mr. Groah”


Shane- “Are you suggesting that I front the money and then hope that a tsunami hits?


Chris- “No, not at all- Good God, why would you want a tsunami to hit?”


Shane- “To get a decent return on my investment- now you know why I’m such a valued customer- I’m financially savvy”


Chris- “You can’t be serious Mr. Groah?”


Shane- “Call me Joe”


Chris- “I need to get going Mr. Groah it was nice speaking with you”


Shane- “Chris before you go, I work for the government and as a federal employee I’m privy to certain pieces of information that the general public may not be- like when a natural disaster is going to occur for instance.  If you give me your home phone number I’ll call and give you some heads up the next time the government plans on creating a new catastrophe.  They normally let us know right about dinner time.  I hope you don’t mind me calling every so often as you gather your family around the table.  I don’t think it will bother you much- after all, you’re calling me around dinner time and you sound pretty damn pleasant on the phone.  I’ve got a pen so hit me with your digits whenever you’re ready.”


Chris- “click” (dial tone)


Shane- 1

Telemarketer- 0




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jen posted the following on October 24, 2009 at 6:22 pm.

that was priceless!

Terrilyn posted the following on October 24, 2009 at 6:34 pm.

Bwahahaha!! Okay, my only question, can I print this off and use it the next time they call me?! Priceless!

admin posted the following on October 24, 2009 at 7:01 pm.

Absolutely Terrilyn- Let me talk to Con, You’ll have administrator rights by tomorrow morning- Hope your husband is feeling better 🙂 shane

geno posted the following on October 25, 2009 at 7:59 pm.

i couldn’t stop laughing on that one.

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