I love everybody, well almost…

October 28, 2009

 

 

I saw a guy texting with such focused determination that he must have been trying to transcribe War & Peace into his blackberry- he did this while changing lanes- on the 495 inner loop- in the rain- with me behind him.  I dislike him very much.

 

That got me thinking about who else I dislike.

 

I don’t much care for the guy who allows his dog to crap on my front lawn at 5am and then leaves it there because he doesn’t think anyone’s awake to catch him.  I’m awake.  I know where you live.  How would it make you feel if I came and pooped on your front lawn?  In my defense I don’t own a dog.

 

I don’t like clowns, mimes or ventriloquist.  I’ve never been traumatized by any of the above.  I just don’t like them and I don’t associate with people who do.

 

If you ride around the grocery store in a motorized cart because you’re too lazy to walk- guess what, I’m not very fond of you.  If your motorized cart operator’s license endows you with a sense of entitlement and superiority then I’m even less motivated to develop a meaningful, lasting relationship.  My two-cents- leave the motorized carts to people who actually need them.

 

If I give you a $2 tip for sacking my groceries I expect some type of acknowledgement- “thank you”, “eat shit”, something.  If you can’t stop fidgeting with your IPOD long enough to nod your head in my general direction then I’m taking my $2 back- and “oh, by the way” the chance of you becoming my new BFF- highly unlikely.

 

There is a really bitter old woman at Lowes who gave me an extremely hard time when I attempted to single-handedly stimulate America’s economy by purchasing $2k worth of new doors.  I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that by disliking this woman I’ve joined the legions of other dissatisfied customers who have had the unfortunate experience of interfacing with this toxic, vile, Medusa-like-Hag.  My advice to you, or anyone else employed in the service industry, if you hate people find a job where you don’t have to deal with them.

 

Dudes who brush their teeth, shave, blow dry their hair or apply gallons of cheap musk while standing naked in the gym locker room.  I’m not homophobic- I don’t like you because nothing is more disgusting than standing next to a naked dude at 6am while he vigorously brushes his teeth- friggin gross.  BTW, the only men who use blow dryers are news anchors.

 

If you can recite the stats for every player on your fantasy football team but are unable to tell me your child’s shoe size, favorite color or best friend’s name- I don’t want to go grab a beer- I’m busy with my kids, every time you ask.

 

The President of the San Diego State Alumni Association- I’m not going to give you any more money.  Don’t you remember the four-years of tuition that I shelled out for my less than Ivy League education?  Consider that my contribution to the Alumni Association.  And while we’re at it- quit having those poor college kids call my house.  I toy with them mercilessly because I’m bored and screwing with solicitors tickles my wife’s warped sense of humor.

 

Any celebrity who has managed to bankrupt themselves, land in jail, or become hopelessly addicted to illegal narcotics.  I totally understand how difficult it is to be rich and famous- believe me I know.  But having too much money and being admired by millions of people is not an excuse to act like an ass or break the laws that common folk have to abide by.  If I can find your mug shot on the internet or your picture is plastered on every single smut rag in the impulse purchase aisle at the grocery store I don’t have much use for you. 

 

Since I went down this road- just because you’ve been on a reality television show does not change the reality that you have zero talent.  That being said, since you are most likely talentless you don’t rate the same degree of admiration that folks with talent get to enjoy- so quit acting like rock stars.  Enjoy your 15-minutes of fame and when it’s over bow out gracefully.

 

I think that’s it, I love everyone else.  See, told you I was tolerant.

 

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Heather posted the following on November 8, 2009 at 1:22 am.

You forgot the jerk who drives down College Parkway doing 35 miles an hour to police the entire Broadneck Peninsula into going significantly less than the speed limit. I’m not bitter.


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