I once believed that I could run away from home by digging a hole to China with nothing more than a common tablespoon.  My plan, learn Mandarin and live amongst the indigenous population known only as the “Round Eye who bloomed from the earth”.

I also believed new sneakers made me run faster- and not just a little bit either.  We’re talking flames shooting from my ass, hair blown back, time traveler- Fast.  If you were lucky enough to own a pair of KEDS you could actually run fast enough to achieve invisibility.

Big foot and the Lochness Monster were life partners and lived on Fantasy Island.  As an aside, I can’t figure out if “Tattoo” was an elf of Pacific Islander descent or a very tan ventriloquist dummy- you pick, it could go either way.

Just a few other quick things I once held as undeniable truths:

The Vulcan “death-grip” worked- if you don’t believe me try it on an unsuspecting sibling.

“Fruit Loops”, “Fruity Pebbles” and “Trix” were made from real fruit and contained the daily suggested dosages of every vitamin a child needs to develop into a well adjusted young adult.

A single serving size of “Tic-Tac’s” is the entire container.

Mikey, the Life cereal kid, didn’t die from ingesting “Pop-Rocks” and “Coca-Cola”.  He’s actually alive and well and resides on an island in the Caribbean where the government exiles sassy child stars.

The Bionic Man made that “dun-na-na-na-na” sound when ever he physically exerted himself because they didn’t bolt him together correctly in the Cape Canaveral Space-Man Lab.

These are some of the things I believed when I was a kid.  Of course I’m an adult now armed with the knowledge and wisdom of my years so I’ve been able to disprove almost half of them. 

If you’re wondering why I’m revisiting my misguided childhood thought processes it’s because of a conversation that I overheard between Mack and one of his good buddies.  I was driving them home from school the other day and this is what I heard.

Mack- “Hey what are you doing after school today”?

Buddy- “Not much, I thought I would sling the end of a ratchet strap into a tree, wrap the other end around my waist and then pull myself up to the top”.

Mack- “Cool”.

Buddy- “Yeah, should be okay, I’m pretty sure I can get at least 300 feet off the ground before I run out of strap”.

Mack- “Probably”

Buddy- “What about you, what are you doing after school?”

Mack- “I have a couple of Bungee cords hooked into a tree in my back yard.  I plan on hooking the loose ends into my belt loops.  Then I’m going to run as fast as I can away from the tree.  I figure when the Bungee cords get tight enough they’ll pull me back, shooting me straight to the top of the tree”.

Buddy- “Wow, I never thought of that, I wonder if my Dad has some Bungee cords”?

Three things:

1. I now know who took my damn Bungee Cords

2. My afternoon entertainment has just been scheduled.

And

3. Something’s never change- little boys have the greatest ideas.

Now you’ll have to excuse me- I’ve got to go call Mack’s Buddy’s parents so they don’t miss the show.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone,

It’s that time of year again so without further adieu the annual “Groah Family” update. 

Disclaimer: If your one of Connie’s 5-zillion “Facebook” friends you probably all ready know everything I’m about to write so disregard this letter and refer to her status updates for “real-time” Groah family information.

Shane-  I’m no longer a Marine.  I retired after 21-years and to celebrate I took a 10-week break from employment.  I would have remained retired too, but I ran out of Harlequin romance novels and the Lifetime channel replaced “Matlock” with “Murder She Wrote” (I just couldn’t get into the story line).  Those two catastrophic events were enough to propel me back into the work force.  I’m currently employed by Homeland Security Solutions Inc. in Alexandria, Virginia.  Great company- most of the people I work with are retired Marines or police officers so the transition into civilian life was fairly transparent.  Not to say it’s been easy- there have been a few hiccups along the way.  For instance I can’t decide what facial hair configuration I should adorn (beard, goatee, clean shaven), I can’t figure out how to tie a Full-Windsor knot and I’m just now learning what casual attire means.  For those of you who are unsure yourself, casual attire is not synonymous with gym apparel.  If I can just master hair and wardrobe I’ll have this whole civilian thing licked.

Cayden- The Nugget is doing great.  He’s in first grade and proving to be an academic phenom.  Some of Cayden’s favorite pastimes are spelling and adding.  It’s really refreshing to witness first hand the success of our American educational system- unless of course you’re trapped inside a minivan with Mr. “Hooked on Phonics”.  Several hours of random academia can make you mildly homicidal.  I’d like to tell you that Cayden has put some meat on his frame but that wouldn’t be truthful.  He’s getting taller, that’s undeniable, but he’s still sporting “bone-muscles” and his vertebras are still visible from head to tail.  However, he has managed to pack some muscle onto his forearms with the aid of WII bowling.   For Christmas Cayden would like a punching bag- apparently the one he’s currently using has a tendency to tattle on him.

Speaking of Mack, the kid’s still rocking.  After only 12 short months of private guitar lessons he’s mastered the opening rift from “Highway to Hell”.  Maybe it’s not the most age appropriate song for a nine-year old- but since when have Connie and I been concerned about age appropriateness?  Academically we’ve seen a huge improvement over last year- all B’s this past semester.  Apparently Mack has recovered his scholastic confidence so we expect even better grades next marking period.  If asked to provide one word to define Mack’s past year it would be “SK8” (I’m down with it aren’t I?).  His dream of becoming a “Rock Star” has been replaced by becoming a pro skater and owning his own skateboard production company.  He’s all ready picked a name “Red and Black Skate Company”.  I’ve seen the kid in the shower and I think that “Black and Blue” would be more fitting- he has crashed and burned so many times he looks like he fell into a hay baler.

Connie is alive and well and thankfully so is her business.  Not even the dreaded recession could stop Barefoot Photography’s meteoric rise to national acclaim.  She’s also rediscovered the joys of physical fitness.  Both of us belong to the same gym but it’s unlikely we’ll ever run into each other while we’re exercising.  I hang out in the weight room and Connie hangs out in what I’ll refer to as the “Dance Studio”.  She’s really into this thing called “Zoomba” which I believe evolved from Richard Simmon’s “Sweating to the Oldies”.  The only difference I can determine is that the foundation of every “Zoomba” routine is the “Booty Shake”.  I’ve never been extended an invitation to participate- which I’m thankful for.  Quite frankly, if I shook my ass as hard as Connie tells me they do it would likely fall off and my center of balance would be forever compromised.

Well that’s it- you’re all caught up.  So as President Obama would say “have a festive holiday season”.  Or as Shane would say- have a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!