Archive for January, 2010

 

I once believed that I could run away from home by digging a hole to China with nothing more than a common tablespoon.  My plan, learn Mandarin and live amongst the indigenous population known only as the “Round Eye who bloomed from the earth”.

I also believed new sneakers made me run faster- and not just a little bit either.  We’re talking flames shooting from my ass, hair blown back, time traveler- Fast.  If you were lucky enough to own a pair of KEDS you could actually run fast enough to achieve invisibility.

Big foot and the Lochness Monster were life partners and lived on Fantasy Island.  As an aside, I can’t figure out if “Tattoo” was an elf of Pacific Islander descent or a very tan ventriloquist dummy- you pick, it could go either way.

Just a few other quick things I once held as undeniable truths:

The Vulcan “death-grip” worked- if you don’t believe me try it on an unsuspecting sibling.

“Fruit Loops”, “Fruity Pebbles” and “Trix” were made from real fruit and contained the daily suggested dosages of every vitamin a child needs to develop into a well adjusted young adult.

A single serving size of “Tic-Tac’s” is the entire container.

Mikey, the Life cereal kid, didn’t die from ingesting “Pop-Rocks” and “Coca-Cola”.  He’s actually alive and well and resides on an island in the Caribbean where the government exiles sassy child stars.

The Bionic Man made that “dun-na-na-na-na” sound when ever he physically exerted himself because they didn’t bolt him together correctly in the Cape Canaveral Space-Man Lab.

These are some of the things I believed when I was a kid.  Of course I’m an adult now armed with the knowledge and wisdom of my years so I’ve been able to disprove almost half of them. 

If you’re wondering why I’m revisiting my misguided childhood thought processes it’s because of a conversation that I overheard between Mack and one of his good buddies.  I was driving them home from school the other day and this is what I heard.

Mack- “Hey what are you doing after school today”?

Buddy- “Not much, I thought I would sling the end of a ratchet strap into a tree, wrap the other end around my waist and then pull myself up to the top”.

Mack- “Cool”.

Buddy- “Yeah, should be okay, I’m pretty sure I can get at least 300 feet off the ground before I run out of strap”.

Mack- “Probably”

Buddy- “What about you, what are you doing after school?”

Mack- “I have a couple of Bungee cords hooked into a tree in my back yard.  I plan on hooking the loose ends into my belt loops.  Then I’m going to run as fast as I can away from the tree.  I figure when the Bungee cords get tight enough they’ll pull me back, shooting me straight to the top of the tree”.

Buddy- “Wow, I never thought of that, I wonder if my Dad has some Bungee cords”?

Three things:

1. I now know who took my damn Bungee Cords

2. My afternoon entertainment has just been scheduled.

And

3. Something’s never change- little boys have the greatest ideas.

Now you’ll have to excuse me- I’ve got to go call Mack’s Buddy’s parents so they don’t miss the show.