Hallmark Cards Suck…

April 11, 2010

I recently turned forty and most of you didn’t even bother to send me a greeting card.  Luckily I think greeting cards are a waste of time and resources so I won’t hold a grudge against anyone.  Of course this doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the cards I did receive- but, maybe it does- it’s just that $5 is a lot to spend on someone else’s written sentiment that will likely be shit canned ten seconds after being opened.  Does that make sense?  Or did I just piss off a bunch of friends and relatives who took several hours searching for the card that was “made” just for me? 

If you must send cards I suggest you consider taking my fathers approach.  He’s sent me the same card for the past ten years.  Amazingly Hallmark continues to maintain “my” card in its inventory- or maybe, more realistically, when my father went card shopping he purchased the whole stack because what’s the liklihood of me remembering, year to year, that I’ve received the same one?  I’m not upset, personally I think he’s a wise consumer- I’m thinking when he made the initial investment cards were a lot cheaper than they are now.  I love you Dad, keep them coming- I’m surprised every time. 

The other part of receiving cards is what to do with them after once they’ve been read?  Connie keeps them in a pile on our counter for at least a month.  Periodically I’ll ask her if it’s okay to toss them and I always get the same answer “Not yet, I’m not done with them”.  Not done with them?”- what’s to be done with a card once you’ve all ready read it?  Eventually I’ll throw them away when she’s not looking.  She’s never asked me where they’ve went.  That leads me to believe that she wants to maintain plausable deniability should a visiting relative request to see the greeting card they sent her 15 years ago.  Should this scenario unfold Connie could simply explain to them that her insensitive husband who lacks an appreciation for the personalized poetic gesture of the modern greeting card threw them away when she was off tending to orphaned children in a war torn region of Batswana.  Having the physical appearance of one barely on the first rung of the evolutionary ladder her relatives would consider this a plausible explanation and likely sympathize with her predicament and forget all about the “Holly Hobby” Birthday card they blew $2 on in the early 80’s.  That’s what Connie does with greeting cards- I simply tear them open, shake them for cash and then throw them away.  The funny thing is the cash stopped flowing when I was 12 years old but some habits are hard to break- especially ones which used to result in financial gain. 

It’s likely that many  of you are appalled that I still shake cards for cash so I might as well go ahead and offend you further.  I think E-cards are a slap in the face.  The message which accompanies every E-Card is simple, it tells the recipient one of two things:

1.  Holy Shit I forgot your birthday and this crappy e-card is a place holder for the “way to” expensive gift that I felt guilted into purchasing.


2.  I like you enough to remember the day you were born, but not enough to stand in line at Walgreens to purchase you a “real” birthday card.

Either way E-cards send the wrong message.  Besides I’m just one step above world wide web illiteracy and if you send me a link to an E-card I’ll likely screw it up and be unable to view the Birthday wishes that you spent all of 10 seconds finding for me.  BTW the same applies for sending me a drink through “Facebook”.  I’ve received at least 50 Tequila Sunrises from people over the past 12-months, but have yet to learn how to send one back.  I’m not an ungrateful drinker and I realize it’s my time to buy a round- but the fact is “Facebook” is smarter than I am.

What else?  Greetings cards with that annoying music playing computer chip make me want to go on a shooting rampage and so do cards featuring half naked cowboys and butt floss wearing beach babes- so don’t send me those either.  I like the three stooges- but not enough to have them grace the front of a greeting card- and I don’t understand Dilbert so that shit doesn’t work for me either.  And never, ever, ever send me a religious card- it will just remind me that I haven’t been to church since I got married and I’m one year closer to spending eternity in a very hot place for sleeping in on Sundays when I should have been singing Amazing Grace with the rest of my God fearing community.

Bottom line- if you like me enough to remember my birthday give me a call- or better yet send me the $5 you were gonna spend on the card- I’d like that too.

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Dennis Sullivan posted the following on April 27, 2010 at 1:52 pm.

Please remember Donna has stock in Hallmark, she is mortified.

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