Lordy, Lordy what’s so special about 40?

April 17, 2010

 

I’ve been told that turning 40 is a significant accomplishment but for the life of me can’t figure out why.  The majority of men live well into their 70’s so what’s so special about the 40 year mark?  Turning 18 was a big deal- that was the year I left for the Marine Corps.  And when I turned 21 I was finally able to legally drink alcohol.  But 40- nothing to remarkable.  I imagine the next big happy milestone will be when I start collecting social security- if it’s still a viable program 20 (+) years from now. 

 

So I’ve done some soul searching over the past couple of weeks to see if I could identify anything that would distinguish turning forty from all of the other non-eventful birthdays.  What I’ve determined is that even though I’ve received no monetary or privilege based incentives for successfully reaching the fourth decade I have developed an unbelievable degree of supreme wisdom.

 

Supreme wisdom may sound boastful but bear witness to a few nuggets of truth that have come to me in just the past two weeks:

 

40 year old hair migrates south- meaning it leaves the top of your head for warmer climates- i.e. your armpits, back and shoulders.  I liken this migration to senior citizens moving to Florida.

 

A late night is defined by remaining conscious through the entire 11 o’clock news broadcast.

 

Music really is too loud- regardless of how low the volume knob is turned down or how badly your hearing has deteriorated.

 

Rap music is just a bunch of folks talking to music.

 

Anyone under the age of 30 is a kid who has “shit for brains”.

 

You shouldn’t shop in the young men’s department at any clothing store- men over forty shop at Sears where they can purchase a sporty cardigan and a set of box wrenches at the same time.

 

Give up your quest for “six pack” abs and settle for a “six pack” of cheap domestic beer.

 

“Old Spice” is a powerful middle aged pheromone which signals your spouse that you’re contemplating several passionate minutes of “Lovin”.

 

You’re more interested in reading all 1,990 pages of the Health Care Reform Bill than applying “Old Spice” in the hopes of getting some “Lovin”.

 

Liver and Onions taste awesome.

 

You seldom use the word awesome anymore- it has been replaced by “lovely” or “pleasant”.

 

 “Yanni” rocks you like a hurricane and you’re completely confused as to why Michael Bolton would be compelled to cut off his sassy locks.

 

Your dream of one day owning a sports car has been replaced by one day owning an RV with comfortable captain’s chairs.

 

Forty is NOT the new 20- if it was there would be a lot more 100 year old people tooling around.  There aren’t, so it isn’t.

 

You’re suddenly aware that a lot of the shit you routinely did in your 20’s had the potential to kill you- these thoughts cause increased heart palpitations and your arthritis to flare.

 

Tying your shoes takes effort.

 

That cute waitress that just smiled at you did so because you remind her of her father.

 

Black socks and sandals compliment every summer outfit- how’d I miss that for so many years?

 

You can party with all of your 40(+) year old friends all night long and it’s so lame that no one will bother to call the police on you.

 

You can survive without an iPhone.  WTF is an iPhone anyway?

 

I’m not wearing an earring- that’s hair sprouting from my lobes.

 

The lushness of my front lawn is suddenly more important to me than wearing pants.

 

Everything my father told me when I was a kid suddenly makes sense.

 

I’m sure there are more truths left to be discovered- and I am looking forward to further enlightenment as I gracefully approach the next decade.

 

 

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Teri and the cats of Furrydance posted the following on April 22, 2010 at 8:40 am.

I’d rather BE 40 than 20…but I’d rather LOOK 20 than 40…life is like that


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