Everyone deserves to be inked…

April 25, 2010

Its a man’s weekend.  Mom’s traveling for work and the boys are left to fend for themselves.  Normally I’m pretty  responsible.  I usually make wise choices and exercise exceptional judgement.  But not this weekend.  This weekend the boys and I went a little crazy.  We decided that nothing would commemorate our “Man” weekend like a little semi-permanent inkage.  Cayden got the ball rolling with a little homage to his #1 Homie- Mack.

As you can see by the photo Cayden decided that the best place for a tattoo was the palm of his hand.  I’m guessing that he chose this spot for two reasons. One, he wanted to make sure that every thing he touched from that point forward would bear the mark of “Mack-dom” i.e. the drapes, the bed spread, the fancy monogrammed hand towels etcetera.  It’s probably apparent that I wasn’t around when Cayden inked his first piece of art.  Had I been there I would have put that shit on the back of his neck- probably the only place on his body that he wouldn’t be able to apply to every linen surface in our home.  The second reason, which is only a theory based on how much the boys fought today, is that Cayden wanted to be able to slap the shit out of “Mack” and then blame it on “Mack”.  It’s not a perfect alibi, but it would have caused a moment of confusion, possibly long enough for Cayden to escape, had I not known that he had drawn Mack’s portrait on the palm of his hand.  In case you’ve never seen a picture of my oldest he doesn’t really look like “Ronald McDonald” but it’s not a bad likeness when your drawing it on your own body with a crayola, fat-tipped, washable marker.

Cayden put up a hell of a fight when I made him wash it off- which took a great amount of effort to include dawn dish soap applied with an SOS pad.  To calm him down I told him that I would give him a new tattoo- and so the fun began.

Here’s my first attempt at tribal art work.  Yes, I realize it looks like a fat, orange bird- but it’s all in how you sell it.  I had Cayden believing that it was absolutely the toughest looking fat, orange bird on the planet.  Just look at the kid’s face- he’s feeling legit.  I’m going to run out tomorrow and buy him an orange jumpsuit so he can represent his cell block in the appropriate manner.  If that wasn’t scary enough for good measure I drew a large snake eating his nipple- that shit would make Betty White look BAD-ASS.  I really worked Cayden into a frenzy with all of the tough talk as evidenced by the posturing he did in the photo below.

Some of you may think that the photo looks distorted because my boy’s head appears disproportionate to his body- but it’s not, Cayden is just that damn skinny.  However, the ink has obviously taken effect and he is now unaware that he weighs a meager 21lbs.  If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a hundred times the quickest way to go from “wimp” to “pimp” is to add a little “ink”.  Okay, I’ve never said that and I’ll probably burn in hell for referring to my son as a pimp- but damn, he’s got that whole intimidation thing down doesn’t he?  He was so happy with the result that he decided to return the favor and adorn his old man with some similarly tough looking graphics.

Okay, the green and red thing on the left is a venomous snake.  Yes, I realize it looks like the preschool inch worm that you dragged around by a string when you were a toddler- but trust me to a 7-year old little boy it’s a friggin deadly viper.  The red blob on the right is a heart pierced by an arrow.  I drew the arrow so that it was a little more obvious what the red blob was.  Funny, I didn’t feel any more “BAD-ASS” when Cayden was done- not really sure why, but it could have had something to do with my lack of imagination. 

BTW, washable markers only work on little kid skin.  When your forty (+) years old that shit sticks to you like glue.  I scrubbed like there was no tomorrow and that stuff isn’t budging.  Oh well, should make for some interesting conversations in the gym locker room tomorrow…

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Heather posted the following on April 26, 2010 at 11:59 pm.

I just can’t stop laughing, Shane. 🙂

Teri and the cats of Furrydance posted the following on May 1, 2010 at 5:21 pm.

What…you don’t talk about “man” weekends in the locker room? Is it a “day spa” or what???

Johnavon posted the following on November 15, 2011 at 5:31 am.

Hahahaha. I’m not too bgriht today. Great post!

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