What the Hell is that?

August 1, 2010

The Groah family went fishing this afternoon off of Connie’s boat.  Fishing expeditions afloat rarely result in anything (i.e we don’t catch shit) so when Connie hooked into a friggin “Godzilla” fish I was a bit surprised. 

Most of my initial surprise can be attributed to the fact that one of us actually caught something by means of rod, reel and bait.  Like I eluded to earlier we’ve never caught anything from Connie’s boat.  I was pretty sure the thing was bottom painted with fish repellent, but apparently it only repels good looking edible fish.  Slimy, prehistoric looking creatures with multiple rows of razor sharp teeth on the other hand flock to it like fat kids to a Twinkie display- friggin lovely.  Who wants to swim off the back of the boat kids? 

My initial surprise was quickly replaced by disgust when I got a look at what Connie had hauled aboard. Her fish, or fish-like creature, was the nastiest example of aquatic life that I have ever had the displeasure of laying my eyes on.  If Satan has a fish tank in Hell it is probably teaming with these things.

What the hell is that?

What the hell is that?

The thing looked like flem with gills- “F”ing Gross.  Connie was quite proud- after all, how many people can say that they landed the missing link of the fish world.  What I was feeling was far from pride.  What I felt was dread because I knew I would be the one that had to retrieve the hook from the beast’s gaping suck-hole.  I’m sure some of you are thinking “what’s the big deal, sure he’s ugly but come on Shane be a man…”


He's not smiling; he's trying to eat my face

He's not smiling; he's trying to eat my face

Okay so now that you know what I had to face how many of you are standing in line to reach in and pull out the hook?  That’s what I thought- so quit hating on me for being a wuss. 

Good God!  If “farts” had eyes and teeth I imagine they would look exactly like this.  Connie wasn’t the least bit concerned because the length of her fishing pole kept this abomination out of striking distance- the fact that her husband was there to take care of business probably didn’t hurt either.  It’s easy to act tough when you’re not the one doing the dirty work.

Connie snapped a couple of photos and the boys got a close look at her catch and then they started to nag me about setting it free.  Set it free?  Is that the wisest choice?   I wasn’t convinced that releasing it back to the depths of our favorite body of water was the best idea.  Who knows how big this thing had the potential of becoming?  It would be a real kick in the pants if six months from now this thing was 800 pounds with a ravenous appetite for our friends and neighbors who frolicked in the bay oblivious to its existence.  But who am I to question my lovely wife’s judgement so I grasped his gelatinous, most likely poisonous, form and started to yank the hook from his pie-hole.

That’s when I discovered yet another of its defense mechanisms.  As if teeth, poison and outrageously disgusting looks weren’t enough the thing happened to be chalk full of fish shit which he apparently had the ability to release at will.  I managed to keep my composure as he purged the contents of his bowels all over my hands however, and I’m happy to report that the creature was safely returned to the Severn River where it will likely continue to eat unsuspecting water fowl and small dogs who venture to closely to the waters edge.

Enjoy the rest of your summer folks- but don’t say you weren’t warned.

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Sherri Winstead posted the following on August 1, 2010 at 10:10 am.

Oh my word! That is the ugliest thing I have ever seen. But, as always when I read your blog, I laughed my BUTT off!! ha ha ha ha ha ha. Love your stories!

Teri and the cats of Furrydance posted the following on August 1, 2010 at 11:10 pm.

…was there a nuclear reactor close by? Looks like something from a scary movie from the 60’s!

Heather posted the following on August 2, 2010 at 12:17 am.

HAHAHA!!! I love how it’s CONNIE’S boat!

Scott posted the following on August 2, 2010 at 10:48 pm.

i caught one of those nasty things in the Outer Banks one time…. Nasty looking bugger. But I hear they taste just like chicken!

Suzy posted the following on August 3, 2010 at 12:59 am.

What the heck IS that?! Could’ve be worse. There’s this new “sport” called noodling–stick your arm in the water and wait for a catfish to SWALLOW YOUR ARM!!! Then pull your arm out of water with catfish attached to it. Yeah. You guys could’ve caught Cujo that way.

derek graham posted the following on August 6, 2010 at 10:01 pm.

is that some kind of goby?

Jill Johnson posted the following on August 22, 2010 at 8:20 pm.

umm, you probably should have kept it and killed it. I am thinking that it is clearly not a native to the Chesapeake Bay………remember the whole snake fish incident in the Potomac (I think) could have killed the entire Eco system. Yikes.

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