Snippets from the Great White North…

August 31, 2010

The family and I recently traveled to Niagra Falls (the Canadian side) for an end of summer “get-away”.  Connie informed me that I couldn’t call it a vacation because we only went for a few days, all of us walked away still wanting to be related and my American Express card didn’t burst into flames from excessive use- it smoked and sparked but stopped short of full on “torch mode”.  Had I purchased one more authentic native American arrow head (stamped made in Taiwan)  or “Niagra Falls” themed snow globe my whole wallet would likely be in ashes, but luckily we escaped before the boys located anymore “must have” items.

I hope I don’t sound cheap, because I’m not (reference Cayden’s 426 “Silly Bands”)- but for the amount of money I spent on (1) “Canadian” bottle of water I could have purchased (3) large sodas at our local IMAX or (2) hot dogs and a set of mouse ears at Walt Disney World.  What does that tell you?  It should tell you that for the price of riding the “Maid of the Mist” I could have paid off my house ten years ahead of time or given enough change to UNICEF to allow them to give away an IPOD touch with every bowl of rice.  I’m not bitter, how could I be?  For the small fee of $190 I got the once in a life time experience of riding an open bow boat with three-hundred of my closest non-hygienic European friends.  But wait that wasn’t even the best part- get this, we did the whole thing while “Mother Nature” blasted ice cold water into our smiling, unsuspecting faces with the ferocity of a friggin fire hydrant.  Who wouldn’t pay top dollar for that experience?  Friggin “Maid of the Mist” my ass- there is nothing maidenly about that hag.   At some level I understand that getting wet while visiting the Falls should seem intuitive because… well, because it’s a big friggin water fall.  But I’m an American, I want to view the falls in a comfortable manner fitting of the natural splendor which is “NIAGRA”- i.e  ice cold adult beverage in one hand, hot wing in the other (maybe there is a Niagra Falls cable channel which enables you to experience the whole thing from the comfort of a local Micro-Brewery (hmmm, potential money maker- any backers?).

But did that occur?  Why no it didn’t- thank you for asking.  Instead, I was wrapped in a blue garbage bag and pushed out into the elements to suffer with the rest of the multi-national crowd that made up the crew of the “S.S. THIS-SUCKS-ASS”.  I think I’m going to sue Canada for PTSD triggered by excessive dampness and a horrendous case of cold water shrinkage that won’t seem to go away no matter how friction I apply to it.  I think next time I feel inclined to experience the Falls I’ll save the money and just head to Abu Ghraib and ask a couple of CIA henchmen to water board me- same experience, less expense.

Don’t get me wrong we did a lot of other things while visiting Niagra Falls- here is a quick list:

1. ” Journey behind the falls”- got friggin drenched

2.  “Niagra-Fury”- got drenched and once we were wet it no-kidding snowed on us- no shit!  WTF, where in the world does it snow in 100 degree summer heat?  Why in Niagra Falls of course-and it only cost us about $150 to experience it.

3.  Swam in the hotel pool- we were all ready wet so we didn’t even bother to put on swimsuits.

I’ve got to sign off an get some sleep, but I don’t want to leave you with the impression that I think Canada sucks- because it doesn’t.  Canada is a great time- especially if your an independently wealthy former resident of Atlantis.

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