Chimps eat people…

October 1, 2010

When you have an hour or so to kill Google chimpanzee attacks; you’ll be amazed.  Believe it or not there is story upon story of every day folks who purchase chimpanzees and raise them as if they were human children.  They don’t even consider the fact that your average human child doesn’t have inch long canines, weigh 200lbs and have super human strength.  Human kids are also not covered in fur or sporting thumbs on their feet- but that’s not really a pertinent point to this post.  

Apparently the aforementioned “monkey anatomy lesson”  is a bit of insight that escapes people on a routine basis because they purchase chimps anyway.  An incredibly unwise financial investment considering the amount of available literature detailing what happens when chimps become disenfranchised and decide to go “ape shit” on their human parents- sorry for the pun.

I don’t consider myself a primate expert, even though raising two boys has given me a rudimentary understanding of how primitive man must have interacted with his environment, but I am educated enough to know that trying to domesticate wild animals rarely ends well.  Does that make me especially intelligent- not at all, it simply means I can “Google” chimpanzee attacks and reach the conclusion that a hamster or goldfish would be a more appropriate, and yes, less life threatening addition to my family.  Granted neither of these pets is one chromosome shy of being a relative- but who the hell wants to live with their relatives anyway (no offense guys).

Where was I going with this?  Oh, so people buy baby chimps; the baby chimp is cute; the chimp grows older (and may I add larger), the chimp experiences mid-life crisis, the chimp lashes out at the very people who loved and nurtured them through childhood, maybe they aren’t as developmentally different from human children as I first thought. 

But, when I say lash out what I mean is they get angry and then proceed to violently remove every available appendage from their owner’s body.  When I say every available appendage I mean EVERY available appendage- lips, ears, nose, fingers, toes and yes, even your man-parts.  Holy Shit!  I’ve never heard of a single documented case of  an angry beagle gnawing off its owner’s genitalia- but that’s exactly how an angry chimp operates.

Evidence- Chimps become pissed off in captivity

Evidence- Chimps become pissed off in captivity

So, should we be angry at chimps?  Should we eradicate the species?  Boycott the circus or set fire to monkey Island at the zoo?  Absolutely not- it’s not the chipmapanzees’ fault- they are wild friggin animals.

Insensitive as it may sound maybe we should point the finger at the people who thought they could change a chimpanzee’s natural animal instinct by wrapping them in Huggies and teaching them to surf the Internet.  After all, they not only volunteered to put themselves in a precarious position, they spent big dollars to get there- stupid.  So, don’t bitch and moan to the media when your pet chimp gets a wild hair up its ass and decides to go medieval on you- research shows that’s kind of what they do.  Maybe you should have considered looking at that research prior to slapping down your visa at the exotic animal emporium. You would have discovered that, historically, chimp owners rarely make it to a ripe old age with all of the extremities they were born with.  It’s not difficult to locate this information- simply type “stupid painful shit that I shouldn’t do” into your favorite search engine and I’m sure “purchase a 200-pound, potentially hormonal gorilla” is somewhere near the top. 

I think I’m done- I feel much better.  You’ll never know the amount of time I spend on a daily basis trying to keep people safe from themselves.  My humanity really is curse, but it’s a burden I’ll gladly carry if it prevents members of my species from doing potentially stupid shit

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Dennis P posted the following on October 18, 2010 at 12:58 am.

It’s like your a superhero out to save us from ourselves. I think people with exotic pets are really crazy!

Eric Graham posted the following on December 6, 2010 at 3:24 am.

Like us, Chimps have also brain. We may teach them but not their whole being. Just let them live wherever they want. They belong to their designated place not in human places.

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