Archive for December, 2010

You might be crazy if…

December 16, 2010

Every neighborhood has at least one crazy resident- but our neighborhood “Crazy” tops them all.  Meet “Muffy” (I changed his name and erased his face to avoid being sued for slander)

In case you’re wondering, I didn’t Google “Insane transgender gentlemen drinking soda” and steal the image to give my post merit- this joker actually lives down the street from us and can often be glimpsed walking down the middle of our community’s main thoroughfare.  I won’t comment as to how I came in possession of the photo- let’s just say I know people who know people.

If there’s any doubt as to ”Muffy’s” level of insanity- the “7-Up” inspired mini-skirt should pretty much clear it up for you.  Coupled with the fact that he accessorizes with bow ties and pocket protectors and you have proof positive that Agent “A” is one strange ranger.  I’m not going to comment on the gladiator sandals because right after “300″ was released on DVD I ran out and purchased a pair for myself.  However, to my credit, I never teamed them up with young lady’s active wear nor did I own a bow tie.

Rumor has it that he’s totally harmless- to which I reply “BULLSHIT”.  First of all, no man wears a skirt in public unless he’s looking for a fight.  Secondly, I’ve personally witnessed him cursing at the stop sign in front of my house and having words with the my neighbor’s mailbox.  He also tried to challenge my driveway to a fight but when I walked out to break up the altercation he scurried across the street and began Olympic power walking towards the shopping center.  Those are not the actions of a “harmless” person.  Rumor also suggest that old boy goes “commando” during the warm summer months- that, in and of itself, is enough to cause me severe mental anguish further discreditting the “harmless” theory.

Aside from having arguments with inanimate objects Muffy spends most of his time walking from his home to our community shopping center.  His normal route takes him straight down the middle of the street much to the chagrin of the 15 or so vehicles unlucky enough to get stuck behind him.  Apparently, Muffy is unable to hear motorists spitting vulgar obscenities at him because not once have I ever seen him react to their taunts.  I find it perplexing that he’s capable of hearing every word my stop sign utters, but a car horn at 5:00 am gets no reaction?  Selective hearing or schizophrenia- I’ll let you be the judge. 

He didn’t always walk, when we first moved here he was actually motorized via lawn tractor.  My first “Muffy” sighting was him motoring down the road on a lawn tractor wearing a hard hat, safety vest, suit jacket and cargo shorts.  He had a brief case strapped to the back of his tractor and he appeared quite determined to make it to the office on time.  I guess I should have known right then that he was legally insane, but he moved with such purpose that it didn’t really register.  It wasn’t until the police took away his “lawn mower operator’s license” that I realized that maybe not all of his bolts were tightened to the correct torque- i.e. he’s friggin crazy.

I’m guessing that someone out there in the blogosphere is just itching to submit a comment designed to make me feel petty and small for ragging on someone less fortunate than I- okay, I got it- point taken- you win.  But come on, do you really expect me not to say anything?  If you do, then you give me way to much credit.  Besides the way I look at it if he can stroll past my home with his balls dragging behind him like a couple of oranges in pair of pantyhose then I can most certainly blog about it- so step down from the moral high ground and cut me some slack.

I’ll leave you with this, if you’re down in my neck of the woods and happen to spot what appears to be Abe Lincoln wearing a Mylie Cyrus “Baby Doll” Tee, construction boots and a ballerina tutu take a deep breath and relax, you haven’t gone crazy- you’ve just met my neighbor.