Groah family blurbs

April 29, 2011

Man I’ve been really, really bad about keeping up on this thing- but, when life gets busy you have to prioritize and sadly writing stupid shit on the internet doesn’t rank as high as most other things competing for my limited free time.

That being said I realize if I don’t stop and jot things down they’ll be forever be lost in the abyss that has become my aging memory. I’m sure some day (most likely when I’m back to crapping my trousers and gumming my food ) I’ll have time to indulge in some well crafted creative writing; but for now I’ll have to be satisfied with simply cataloging some key events- bad grammar and all. So my compromise- short “Groah” family blurbs.

Cayden gave up walking about 3-months ago. He now propels himself from place to place with a series of cartwheels, summersaults and head stands. Pros- he’s becoming very agile and his shoes will last forever. Cons- it takes him an hour to travel 10-feet, he’s constantly dizzy and he’s covered in rug burns.

The world will end in 2012. I know it’s true because someone posted it on my wall after requesting a herd of sheep to complete their “Farmville Livestock challenge”.

Kids curse at a younger age than I remember. They even use the “super-duper” bad ones, which I will not list as they make me blush.

Mack performed in his school’s talent show for the second year in a row. Last year a lovely rendition of Green Day’s “Time of Your Life”; this year AC/DC “Back in Black”. I can only imagine that next year’s performance will include flames, flying rodents and a blood sacrifice.

I work a lot- good thing I like to work otherwise my life would suck!

I test drove a Lexus ISF (sports car) even though there was no way I could afford to own it. It’s kind of like a fat kid watching porn- you know you ain’t ever going to get it so why torture yourself.

California vacations are awesome- except for the “Simpsons” ride at Universal Studios. That thing generates more “G’s” than a space shuttle flight simulator and each time I got off I had to check my phone to make sure I hadn’t been transported into the future.

Mack no longer believes in the Easter Bunny. Can’t say I blame him; a colored egg shitting rabbit is a bit of a stretch. Had I been responsible for creating the mythical Easter beast I would have chosen something a little more logical- like a “Tootsie Roll” crapping wombat.

Cayden started drum lessons. Yes, we’re actually paying money to have our youngest child do something that he’s done for free his entire life- i.e. make a horrendous racket by vigorously beating on things with a blunt object.

Baseball season has started and Mack was selected to play on an advanced team.

Baseball season has started and Cayden is the only kid in league history to ever cartwheel, summersault, and headstand his way to a double. Personally I think the opposing team was simply to entertained to make the play.

Mack demonstrated his ability to mow the lawn. Like most men he failed to realize that once you show proficiency in a task that task forever belongs to you- I also learned this bit of knowledge late in life.

Summer is upon us- I know this because Connie’s mood has improved significantly and my 1st Mate’s uniform is back from the cleaners. I’m hoping that this will be the summer that we select a name for “her” boat. So far I can’t seem to come up with anything that hasn’t all ready been used; “USS Titanic”, “USS Minnow”, “ USS Exxon Valdez”. Connie didn’t appreciate my input.

This year we purchased (2) IPod Touches, (1) IPad, and a smart phone. I don’t know how to use any of them but did enjoy the personal note and autographed black turtleneck from Steve Jobs in appreciation for making him richer than Europe.

I have 360 Facebook Friends- none of which came to my rescue when I was stranded on interstate 50 for 5-hours with a blown water pump.

Mack’s favorite breakfast is French toast.

Cayden’s favorite breakfast is shrimp flavored Top Raman (the kid’s in second grade but eats like a college freshman).

Connie and I let our kids play inappropriate Armageddon themed X-box games. All you self righteous types can hate on me if you want- but when the world ends in 2012 at least my kids will be familiar with the landscape.

We decided to get a puppy. To clarify, use of the term “we” does not include present company- somewhere along the way I got evicted from the decision making loop.

I wonder if I’ll be allowed to name the dog?

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