Archive for August, 2011

Dad, I’d like a hamster for my birthday.

A hamster? Really buddy? Tell you what, before I make any rash “heart breaking” decisions I want you to try this simple exercise.

Clench this piece of bacon between your teeth and let it hang down to your chin.

Now, lean forward and shake your head vigorously from side to side.

There you go- shake it good?

Quit screaming buddy, that’s not an angry bacon-eating badger; that furry “ball-of-love” hanging from your lips is actually the “Must-Have” Puppy your Mom and I felt obligated to purchase in order to make your childhood complete.

Remember him?

Of course you do- he’s the guy who’s poop you promised to clean up. He’s also the guy that you promised to walk everyday after school. If I remember correctly you actually came to blows with your brother over who would get to walk him most. Funny, your Mother and I didn’t even participate in that fight but somehow we won? isn’t that strange?

So forgive me if I’m a bit perplexed by your request for a Hamster. The puppy is five times the size of a hamster and given the relative size of his brain (compared to that of a rat’s) is likely 10-times more intelligent. In fact, he’s so smart you could probably teach him to do all the tricks a rodent can do (eat garbage, befriend crack addicts, carry Bubonic plague) in a single afternoon. So you see Honey, having a puppy is just like owning a hamster- only more rewarding and hygenic.

But honestly Son, I don’t think a hamster’s in the cards this year; and just to avoid any tertiary discussions- the same goes for kittens, parakeets, baboons and koala bears. Truth be told, I wouldn’t let you have a friggin “Sea Monkey” if it came marching out of my ass banging a pair of cymbals and singing the title track from “Ghost”.

You have a puppy- his name is Carlo Rossi- cherish him, for he is a great and gracious being who loves you dearly in spite of your silly talk of usurping his position in our home with a Hamster.

Don’t eat string…

August 14, 2011

Run Carlo Run!

I just learned that if you eat a bunch of thread all of your poop will come out linked together like a giant string of cultured pearls. Apparently it’s scary as hell too, because no matter how fast you run to escape you can’t gain any distance on your poop because it’s attached to your ass like a kite tail.

Yes, I agree this is a nasty predicament to be in and the guy that gets recruited to cut the string will likely feel the same- but the good news is everyone else who witnesses you running through the back yard trying to outrun your own excrement is going to think it hilarious. Don’t be surprised if they break out their cell phones in an attempt to memorialize your plight on “You-Tube”.

I don’t eat string so this has never happened to me. And though my boys have flushed an entire roll of dental floss down the toilet creating somewhat similar results to the plumbing in my home- I don’t think they’ve actually ever eaten any- at least that Connie and I know of. But my youngest boy- Carlo – well let’s just say he has a craving for hemp that his digestive tract doesn’t support. Luckily, Carlo also likes to consume toilet paper so the whole cycle of events that unfolded in my backyard was a wash. Sort of a “self licking ice cream cone” if you will.

Don't be fooled by my cuteness- I'm deadly!

I’ve finally figured out why new born human infants aren’t graced with a full set of teeth fresh out of the package. Our latest addition to the family, Mr. Carlo Rossi Groah, has been the source of my new found enlightenment. Carlo is a puppy. Carlo has a full set of razor sharp puppy teeth. His razor sharp puppy teeth are strategically located behind his uber sweet smelling puppy breath- an aroma my wife finds irresistible. My theory is that puppies were provided “puppy breath” to assist them in luring their prey closer to their gaping “Puppy suck-hole”- sort of like when a hunter douses himself with “Buck Scent”. Only instead of attracting a horny moose, puppy breath attracts human faces- in my home the potential for nostril reconstruction surgery looms in the not too distant future.

But nostrils aren’t Carlo’s only snack food. Apparently there are all kinds of other great tasting morsels laying around my home that I was never even aware of- for instance:

1. Window sills- I don’t know what kind of wood our builder used to spruce up our window ledges but holy shit does it appeal to Golden Labs! Carlo simply cannot get enough. I took the advice of a friend and slathered it with Cayenne Pepper- but Carlo likes his household trim MUY CALIENTE! In fact, all I achieved from my efforts was a puppy who eats window ledges and farts balls of fire.

2. Shoes- The neat thing about Carlo’s taste for footwear is he believes they’re a dish best served with feet still inserted- so beware when you walk in my home. My advice- remove your shoes before you knock; when the door swings open toss them in; wait 30-seconds and then rush past the feeding frenzy. It should go without saying that when come to the Groah house wear tasteless, cheap footwear- like CROCs for instance. Personally, I believe if you wear CROCs beyond your fourth birthday you deserve to have your feet eaten any way- so don’t act surprised if I encourage Carlo to attack.

3. Little metal door stoppers that screw into your base boards to prevent door knobs from puncturing holes in your sheet rock. If you’re going to own a golden lab I suggest replacing all of your plastic door stoppers with the high end metal ones- they can be salvaged once your dog has his morning BM.

4. Every plant I own. Thank God I’m not growing pot in my back yard- I would have lost my ass. Carlo has eaten every piece of vegetation that I own and that which he chooses not to eat he pees on. My dog must have battery acid in his bladder because my grass has turned to sand and I actually saw a tumbleweed blow past my back door. Friggin awesome!

5. Toes (I’m guessing because they remind him of shoes)

6. Furniture of every description (though he does display a certain fondness for quality hardwoods). My guess is if Carlo ever went to a 5-star restaurant he would forego the menu and request a Restoration Hardware catalog instead- but at least he has taste (good pun I need to write that shit down).

7. Children- Cayden is the perfect snack item because he giggles when you bite him- how fun is that for a puppy. Cayden is like the toy inside a McDonalds Happy Meal- taste good and entertains- perfect.

Funny thing is Carlo won’t bite me- I know I should be relieved but strangely I’m a bit offended.