God made puppies cute for a reason…

August 7, 2011

Don't be fooled by my cuteness- I'm deadly!

I’ve finally figured out why new born human infants aren’t graced with a full set of teeth fresh out of the package. Our latest addition to the family, Mr. Carlo Rossi Groah, has been the source of my new found enlightenment. Carlo is a puppy. Carlo has a full set of razor sharp puppy teeth. His razor sharp puppy teeth are strategically located behind his uber sweet smelling puppy breath- an aroma my wife finds irresistible. My theory is that puppies were provided “puppy breath” to assist them in luring their prey closer to their gaping “Puppy suck-hole”- sort of like when a hunter douses himself with “Buck Scent”. Only instead of attracting a horny moose, puppy breath attracts human faces- in my home the potential for nostril reconstruction surgery looms in the not too distant future.

But nostrils aren’t Carlo’s only snack food. Apparently there are all kinds of other great tasting morsels laying around my home that I was never even aware of- for instance:

1. Window sills- I don’t know what kind of wood our builder used to spruce up our window ledges but holy shit does it appeal to Golden Labs! Carlo simply cannot get enough. I took the advice of a friend and slathered it with Cayenne Pepper- but Carlo likes his household trim MUY CALIENTE! In fact, all I achieved from my efforts was a puppy who eats window ledges and farts balls of fire.

2. Shoes- The neat thing about Carlo’s taste for footwear is he believes they’re a dish best served with feet still inserted- so beware when you walk in my home. My advice- remove your shoes before you knock; when the door swings open toss them in; wait 30-seconds and then rush past the feeding frenzy. It should go without saying that when come to the Groah house wear tasteless, cheap footwear- like CROCs for instance. Personally, I believe if you wear CROCs beyond your fourth birthday you deserve to have your feet eaten any way- so don’t act surprised if I encourage Carlo to attack.

3. Little metal door stoppers that screw into your base boards to prevent door knobs from puncturing holes in your sheet rock. If you’re going to own a golden lab I suggest replacing all of your plastic door stoppers with the high end metal ones- they can be salvaged once your dog has his morning BM.

4. Every plant I own. Thank God I’m not growing pot in my back yard- I would have lost my ass. Carlo has eaten every piece of vegetation that I own and that which he chooses not to eat he pees on. My dog must have battery acid in his bladder because my grass has turned to sand and I actually saw a tumbleweed blow past my back door. Friggin awesome!

5. Toes (I’m guessing because they remind him of shoes)

6. Furniture of every description (though he does display a certain fondness for quality hardwoods). My guess is if Carlo ever went to a 5-star restaurant he would forego the menu and request a Restoration Hardware catalog instead- but at least he has taste (good pun I need to write that shit down).

7. Children- Cayden is the perfect snack item because he giggles when you bite him- how fun is that for a puppy. Cayden is like the toy inside a McDonalds Happy Meal- taste good and entertains- perfect.

Funny thing is Carlo won’t bite me- I know I should be relieved but strangely I’m a bit offended.

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Duncan posted the following on August 8, 2011 at 3:30 pm.

We have one of those, Milo aka Sneaky Pete who seems to love socks and underwear. Fresh out of the dryer or from the laundry hamper. Can’t wait to see the pup. We’ll send Julia in first as a distraction.

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