The perfect birthday gift…

August 29, 2011

Dad, I’d like a hamster for my birthday.

A hamster? Really buddy? Tell you what, before I make any rash “heart breaking” decisions I want you to try this simple exercise.

Clench this piece of bacon between your teeth and let it hang down to your chin.

Now, lean forward and shake your head vigorously from side to side.

There you go- shake it good?

Quit screaming buddy, that’s not an angry bacon-eating badger; that furry “ball-of-love” hanging from your lips is actually the “Must-Have” Puppy your Mom and I felt obligated to purchase in order to make your childhood complete.

Remember him?

Of course you do- he’s the guy who’s poop you promised to clean up. He’s also the guy that you promised to walk everyday after school. If I remember correctly you actually came to blows with your brother over who would get to walk him most. Funny, your Mother and I didn’t even participate in that fight but somehow we won? isn’t that strange?

So forgive me if I’m a bit perplexed by your request for a Hamster. The puppy is five times the size of a hamster and given the relative size of his brain (compared to that of a rat’s) is likely 10-times more intelligent. In fact, he’s so smart you could probably teach him to do all the tricks a rodent can do (eat garbage, befriend crack addicts, carry Bubonic plague) in a single afternoon. So you see Honey, having a puppy is just like owning a hamster- only more rewarding and hygenic.

But honestly Son, I don’t think a hamster’s in the cards this year; and just to avoid any tertiary discussions- the same goes for kittens, parakeets, baboons and koala bears. Truth be told, I wouldn’t let you have a friggin “Sea Monkey” if it came marching out of my ass banging a pair of cymbals and singing the title track from “Ghost”.

You have a puppy- his name is Carlo Rossi- cherish him, for he is a great and gracious being who loves you dearly in spite of your silly talk of usurping his position in our home with a Hamster.

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