Cayden’s seven years old and until the other night he was able to retain every single one of his baby teeth. This isn’t completely unheard of. Plenty of kids hold onto their primary teeth for even longer than that but this fact did little to ease Cayden’s frustration. He was tired of being the only kid in 1st grade without a huge gaping hole in his front grill. As an aside, isn’t it strange that kids consider a toothless smile a sign of prestige as where adults see it as a sign of poor dental hygiene or methamphetamine addiction?
Regardless, Cayden was eager to lose his petite little tic-tac teeth and acquire some big honking “Sponge Bob” fangs. So two nights ago when he announced that he had a wiggly one- he was most excited. Losing your first baby tooth is a noteworthy milestone- and unlike learning how to use the potty this one came with a cash reward.
For two days the kid worked feverishly on his loose tooth. He wiggled it, pushed it, twisted it and tugged it. I got so used to seeing his hands elbow deep in his “soup-cooler” that I stopped putting silverware at his place setting. Think about it, what’s the point of giving a handless kid eating utensils? It’s just plain mean.
But, no matter how much effort he expended the tooth refused to budge. So like every other job that fails to be accomplished by lesser means he called in some heavy artillery- he asked Dad for help.
Cayden- “Dad can you help me pull out my tooth?”
Dad- (feigning excitement) “Don’t move I’ll go get my vice grips!”
Cayden- “Uggggghhhh, Daaaaaad- NO, sob, sob, snivel, snort…
Dad- “Dude, relax I was only joking- channel lock pliers are more appropriate”
Cayden- “Whoosh!” (That’s the sound my son makes when running at the speed of light)
Maybe I should have been more sensitive- but I’m not completely at fault. Cayden should assume some responsibility for my callous humor- after all he’s the one who asked a retired Marine to perform a potentially painful dental procedure on him- that’s about as intelligent as licking Hannibal Lecter’s lips.
I was finally able to coax Cayden out from behind the love seat by promising him that I wouldn’t use anything harder than dental floss to extract his tooth. He did however, demand a thorough explanation of the procedure before completely letting his guard down.
I asked him sit at the counter and lean his head back. I then tied a slip knot on a long piece of dental floss and slid it over the wiggly tooth. Cayden looked concerned (terrified) so I let him hold the loose end of the string.
Cayden- “What now Dad?”
Dad- “Well buddy we’re going to go upstairs to your bedroom, tie the string to your bedpost and then I’m going to heave you out the window J”
Cayden- “ugggghhhhhh Mommmmmm! Dad’s gonna throw me out the window!”
Dad- “Shush boy, you’re going to get me in trouble”.
While Cayden weighed his options for escape I grabbed his hand, the one holding the string, and gave it a sharp tug. I figured it best to make him the responsible party. That way if things went south he would only have himself to blame.
Result- Blood (but only a little), tears and several quick but painful jabs to my upper torso- Cayden was less than pleased. He was even less pleased when he realized the tooth was still stuck in his face. I didn’t think of that possibility so I had no pre-planned response designed to calm him down. The befuddled look on my face sent him running to find his mother.
Thankfully, before he had the opportunity to tattle on me the tooth fell out. I’m positive I had something to do with it- but since it didn’t happen right in front of me I got absolutely no credit. Life is so unfair. Next time I’m using an ice skate and a rock- that shit worked in “Cast Away” (Tom Hanks is a national treasure) it’s bound to work on the boys…
Dan: It's a nightmare alright. we did all ours early this year for a change, and I can certainly report it's the way to go. no that I want to sound smug :)
admin: Dan, If I had a nickel for everytime someone has said that to me I would have paid for the kid's Christmas with nothing but a shit load of nickels- smug indeed! shane